Monday, September 16, 2013

The Importance of Showing Up...



September started with mourning and sadness.

My daughter lost her dog. This was a pretty traumatic event for her, as it was completely unexpected. One day he was running around, stealing food off the table and getting in the trash, as usual. The next he was deathly ill and had to be put to sleep.

School was in its first week, and everything was rush and hustle. We noticed that Dash was not his usual super perky self (he was named "Dash" for a reason) but it wasn't enough of a lack for us to think something was wrong. By the next day he wouldn't get up off his bed, we knew something was really wrong and we rushed him to the vet. The vet told us that he had yellowing on the skin inside his ears and in the sclera of his eyes, a sure sign of hepatitis, which indicated some sort of liver failure. He hadn't been off his food, or showing any signs of illness, it was one day normal, the next day a tiny bit slow, and the next complete shut down. At first the vet thought, given the yellowing, that maybe Dash had ingested something toxic. He put him on fluids right away and drew some blood for tests. We waited, my daughter was terribly distraught, and the vet wasn't talking like the prognosis was very good.

I have to say that it is a terribly helpless feeling to watch someone you love so much mourn. Charlotte was trying to keep her hopes and spirits up, but both of us knew by the way the vet was talking that chances were slim. Sure enough, the vet came back and explained what the blood analysis showed. Dash had an autoimmune disorder, he had probably had it his entire life, and it had slowly destroyed all of his red blood cells. The doc said that the effects of this kind of disorder come on very fast, seemingly over night, and that there was not much in the way of treatement. Dash could have a blood transfusion and be given drugs that would destroy his immune system, but it would only prolong things.

We had to make the tough decision of whether it would be better to help the little guy pass away gently, or prolong his illness. The vet gave him some medication to help him through the night and we took him home. We layed him on his bed and the girls stayed with him, talking to him and telling him what a good boy he was. We shared all our funny and good memories of the little black Italian greyhound we rescued 7 years ago. We laughed about his third ride in the car when we went through Starbuck's drive through and he tried to walk through the service window, or how he would wear everyone out chasing his tennis ball and still be raring to go when all of us couldn't throw another ball. How he would hold the kittens down and nibble on their fur. How we started calling him "Fatty Dash" because he was the chubbiest Italian Greyhound anyone had ever seen.

By the next morning Dash was really out of it. He hadn't moved from his bed. The vet had told us that if he got like this, he wasn't going to make it and needed to be put to sleep.

Charlotte confessed to me that she didn't know if she could go in with him. She was scared and didn't know if she could handle it. This is where I had to make a hard decision. I could either help my daughter avoid a tough situation and tell her she didn't have to. I could spare her a traumatic event, shelter her and take care of it myself... or I could tell my daughter that part of life is having to be brave for others. That she was the center of this little dog's life, and even though she was scared, she needed to be there for him, to help see him off and take care of him to the end. That being brave doesn't mean we aren't scared, it means we show up and take care of business.

I decided on the latter.

She agreed with me, and even though she was scared she went with Dash. The veterinary office prepared a room for them with a doggy bed on the floor. They let Charlotte sit with Dash and comfort him for as long as she wanted, giving them space and peace. She cried for her little dog and by the time it was done the entire staff of the clinic was in tears. The vet was kind and compassionate, as was her staff, and Dash went restfully and peacefully in Charlotte's arms. The last thing he saw and smelled was his girl, the last thing he heard was what a good boy he was and how much he was loved.

She came home and cried and we talked about how that's okay, how mourning those we love is right, and sometimes it takes a little while to get all the hurt out.

It was hard for me to witness her in such terrible sadness, things like this kind of render all your mom powers useless. There is no bandaid for this kind of booboo. There is no kissing or talking this away. It just has to be borne, and all you can do is be there to share it.

It was tough and sad and terrible, but she did right by her dog. After it was over, she said she was glad she had been there, that she was glad she was able to hold him and that she would have regretted it if she hadn't.

There were many important things to learn in all of this, not the least of which is that death is a part of life.

But most importantly, even if you are scared, you do the right thing. You show up. It's important.

My daughter showed up. I don't think I have been more proud.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Subjective Rage...

So this morning, after writing for a long time in my journal, I was in a great mood and all prepared to come here and write out a chipper little piece I had composed about handwriting and writing by hand.

Well, let's just say that got derailed in a major way.

On the way to work I was the target of subjective rage. I call it subjective rage because it is rage that exists in the mind of, and belongs entirely to, the subject (the rager in the black sedan in the lane next to me) based on some perceived wrong that I (obliviously) have committed against them due to an act or intention that also exists only in their mind.

Here's how it went down...

I was driving down the freeway during morning rush. I am in the slow lane, hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2, driving the speed limit, I didn't even have the radio on. I am a model of the conscientious driver, minding my own business, trying to get safely to work.

There is a car to the left of me in the passing lane. Both of us come to a convergence where another road meets the one me and left lane guy are on, with about 500 feet of merge lane. A black sedan comes racing up the merge lane and instead of slowing a bit so that they can merge in smoothly behind the two oncoming cars (me and left lane driver), they speed up, keeping pace with us. I can't move over because left laner is staying right by my side. I slow a little, thinking black sedan will speed up and get in the lane.

Suddenly, black sedan swerves violently towards me. I avoid them, nearly hitting lefy, who also swerves, coming perilously close to the barrier wall. This could have been disastrous. I think "what the hell!?" assuming black sedan had dropped their cell phone, or spilled their coffee...

I look over, and there is a little blonde woman (who I am sure is a nice, reasonable person when you meet her at the day spa, or Starbucks, or wherever else people who drive black sedans go) gesturing wildly, her gaping mouth shaping unheard expletives that, judging by her flushed face and strained expression are being screamed at the top of her lungs. I am shocked. I come to the sudden realization that this otherwise rational, law abiding citizen, this productive member of society, has just tried to ram me with their car to force me out of "their" lane. This woman was willing to risk killing two people to gain two seconds in the race to work.

Of course I responded in the usual and accepted mode, I yelled back, flipped the bird (secretly hoping this would not turn out to be one of the 600 people I am responsible for training where I work), and had thoughts of following this fucking bitch wherever she was going and punching her in the face. Now I am also filled with rage, as is lefty, who is now doing his own private little rage dance in his own automobile.

Suffice it to say, this was almost a very bad day.

After I got to work and calmed down I went through the usual "Oh my god what if I would have had my kids in the car, or what if I had been an elderly person whose reflexes were not as quick?" I considered how lucky I was, because it had been very close, and I got over (to some degree) the bad feeling that you get when someone intentionally does something that could potentially do you serious harm, for no apparent reason... I started thinking about why we get so angry when we drive.

I am just as guilty as the next guy of yelling at traffic and getting, let's face it, unreasonably frustrated and angry at all the other people doing the same thing as me, just trying to get where they are going.

But why? Why do we take it so personally, and get angry about it. And it IS totally subjective anger - My mind is filled with rage at that guy who just cut me off, as if he did it to purposefully spite me... that's how it plays out in my head. That asshole, he just cut me off, I'll show him! And if you are honest, you will admit that you do the same thing too. Even if you don't yell, you have gotten angry at the other driver, you feel wronged and offended, it's personal. You want to defend your territory, sometimes you even want revenge, and that's when things get dangerous.

I am sure this woman goes about her daily life much the same as me, in every other respect she is most likely a very nice person. She probably has responsibilities, and people who rely on her. She has people who love her and care about her. She has things she likes to do, that she looks forward to. She has dreams and aspirations. All that nearly came to an end today on Hwy 6 West because she had to beat me, she couldn't drop her speed just a touch and merge into the lane. She had to go ahead of me, get in front. She was impatient, she had to teach me a lesson about being in the space she wanted to be in. She had to threaten to hit me with her car because she was angry, and because she was angry she was willing to risk her life, and mine and lefty's as well. It makes no sense.

According to AAA aggressive driving like this accounts for half of all traffic fatalities (you can take their aggressive driving quiz here)

Research done on road rage shows that we feel strongly territorial toward our car and our driving space. When we drive down the road and see the lane or spot we need to be in, suddenly in our mind it becomes ours and we are willing to fight to get it. 90% of people surveyed by AAA state they have experienced road rage, either as the rager or the ragee.

Here is what Professor Leon James a researcher at University of Hawaii has to say on the subject:

"It's the same around the world. We all have anger and if we do not manage our emotions in the car then we can be subject to extreme road rage. People can switch from a rational human being to a lower mode - a state I sometimes refer to as reptilian thinking. If we perceive that we have been attacked by another driver then we flick into that mode and that's the beginning of a duel."

So basically, we get territorial, someone threatens our territory, we revert to lizard brain and want to bash their skulls in.

It's funny how something as technologically advanced as a black sedan can cause us to revert to our most primitive state.

It's hard to know what to do about it, because apparently we are fighting psychology here... And it is particularly terrifying because my 18 year old daughter is in the process of getting her license.

I hope and pray that when my daughter is out there driving on her own that black sedan doesn't come along and run her off the road, or over the median, or into an oncoming car because she is in a spot that black sedan thinks she owns.

It is estimated 40,000 people die every year in car accidents in the US, 20,000 of those are due to aggressive driving and road rage. That seems like a big number to be. That seems like a problem. Why isn't anyone talking about this?

Happy driving.


Friday, August 9, 2013

The Gift...

18 years ago I was given a gift. I didn't know what a gift it would be at the time, like all new parents I was frightened and unsure. My biggest fear was that I was going to mess up, I was going to ruin this amazing little creature... I was going to do everything wrong.

The crazy thing is, she did more of the doing than I did.

You see, my daughter is a teacher.

My daughter has taught me so much in the past 18 years.


She taught me the usual things, like, I could love someone more than I ever imagined possible. That there is something that matters far more than myself... But mostly, she taught me how to not do things. How to unlearn. How to take the risky move of understanding that what you believed to be previously true may not be, and you need to move in a different direction. That my life experience didn't have to rule my future. That I was strong.

My daughter taught me how people who love you treat you... and how people who do not love you treat you.

My daughter taught me that I could accomplish more than I ever knew possible.

My daughter taught me that every day should, and will, have laughter. That it is incredibly important to be silly, and that it's totally okay to be a complete nerd.

My daughter taught me that it is more important to do what you love to do and to be who you really are, instead of who they said you should be.

My daughter taught me Spongebob songs, and strange Japanese pop-culture references. She taught me how to do the eyebrow dance, and how to wiggle your tongue and snap your fingers at the same time. I taught her some stuff too, along the way.

My daughter is 18 now, and while I know there will always be times when she will need a mom, I am looking forward to becoming her friend, because she is such an amazing human being, and I am proud to know her. I want to watch her go into the world and make it hers. I want to keep learning from her.

I tried to give her everything I never had. Not material things... The important things, the things you can't see at first glance. I hope I did well. I did my best, just like she taught me.

I love you Charlotte. Happy Birthday. Mom.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

You're not like Jesus... Neither am I


So I had a typical "extremely rude Christian comment" experience yesterday on FaceySpacey. The only thing is, I can't seem to get this one out of my head. It hung around, niggling at my mind, and made me think long and hard about a lot of things. Mostly it made me think about why people are the way they are.


I guess religious zealots, hypocrites, and all around crazy people have been around since the dawn of time, or at least since we decided there was something out there bigger than ourselves and knowing this gave us the right to be righteously indignant at our neighbor's erroneous worship of said bigger thing... And just as long as the zealots have been around, so have the finger pointers... the ones who take pleasure in calling out those they perceive to be hypocrites. The judgers who judge the judgmental.

I guess before I go on about what this whole interaction made me think about, I should share what it was about - (names and avatars have been changed to protect the innocent).

The context? The Poster, who is also a rockstar, reposted an image of a compound belonging to an extremely wealthy televangelist, along with a quote from Matthew 19:24 about how it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven.

Given the exposure of so many televangelists as frauds who rip off their well meaning but gullible followers, and the fact that the example of Christ himself was giving away what you had to those who need it more as opposed to amassing wealth, this seemed reasonable. Let the free for all begin.

First I tossed in my favorite Romans 2:24, as well as a Diderot quote for good measure as seen below - and it just sort of escalated from there.


Initially I was irritated by Rude Christians's "idiots" comment, and feeling very self satisfied with my response. I felt justified because I thought "this person is not acting like a Christian."

Then I went on to think how typical that was, and it made me feel kind of smug and proven right in a way. At the time it didn't occur to me that it was kind of a ridiculous thing to think, really. But, for some reason I just couldn't get this out of my mind.

My thoughts traveled from "Why can't Rude Christian act the way I "know" they are supposed to," to "why does that bother me?" It then progressed to "who am I to decide what a christian should act like, aren't both of us basing our assumptions of that behavior on a questionable text written a couple thousand years ago?" Rude Christian wasn't acting in a way I thought was "good," but then... was I?

I guess my initial irritation at the name calling and whatnot stemmed from my perception of how a Christian is supposed to behave, especially when it happened in the context of Poster, who is also a rockstar, and myself pointing out how the televangelist was not acting the way we thought a christian was supposed to behave.

After thinking on it for a time though, it grew more into the frustration that we can't seem to coexist in our beliefs without pushing our perceptions and assumptions onto each other in a negative way. I am going to use quotes from your revered text to make you look stupid, you are going to feel offended and angry and call me names, I am going feel a sense of satisfaction that I have provoked you to anger, and incite you further with more "facts" when the real fact is, I am intentionally trying to make you look even more stupid and offend you further.

Why?

And while both of us are yelling "that's not what Jesus would do, etc." (me ridiculously so, seeing as I am not a Christian at all so why should I care...), The fact is, we are both wrong.

Jesus was not about proving anyone wrong. He was about kindness. His whole thing was haters are going to hate, and the only thing you can do is love them in return. Kill them with kindness. Win them over with love. Treat them to tolerance so that they can see the love of god. Forgive them, feed them, heal them. Be a human being. Turn the other cheek. Be kind and loving to one another. See that guy over there with no shoes? Give him yours, because you have 10 more pairs at home. See that woman over there with no lunch? Give her yours, it won't kill you to miss a meal. See that person posting angry diatribes against religion? Just be cool. Be kind. Be the opposite of what they have come to hate. Win them over with love and respect and generosity. Turn the other cheek. And in doing so, they just might come over to your way of thinking. They just might too live a life of kindness and generosity - which if we all did - would be great for society. There would be peace, and kindness, we would give each other the same care and consideration that we give to ourselves. We would see the divine in each individual, and we would cherish that. We would be saved... from ourselves. That was Jesus.

Now I know there are Christians out there who would read this and say "but Corvid..." yes, yes, I know... You want your hard core righteous preachy "you're going to hell if you don't get saved" point of view represented... but the problem with that? That's not Jesus. That's Paul. Paul was a douche and a misogynist who, in my opinion, hijacked what Jesus was trying to do and turned it into zealotry and intolerance and hate. Zealots hate. I know, I was a zealot like that once.

My opinion is most likely not worth very much, but I don't think if Jesus were born and lived his life here today he would be picketing abortion clinics and screaming about gay marriage, and calling people idiots on facebook. I think he would be preaching against inequality, helping the poor, caring for the homeless, showing love to those who so desperately need it and do without it every day... He would be calling out those who marginalized the less fortunate, he would be traveling from town to town healing the sick, and spreading love. He would be saying "don't throw the stone unless you have never sinned yourself." Kinda like he did 2000 years ago. He would be showing people god's love through his actions.

The opposite side of the coin is this - I think that for those of us who do not claim christianity as a religion, and often times take pleasure in smacking down those who do who are not behaving the way we think they should... if we are smart enough, and knowledgeable enough about the bible and christian doctrine to call out others, there are two things we should keep in mind. One, if we can recognize people who are being hypocritical, then we should acknowledge they aren't the real deal, recognize that there are many who are, and don't judge the entire bushel because of some bad apples. And two - instead of pointing out the behavior we don't like and deem hypocritical in others, we should try to be the best human beings we can be ourselves. Maybe we should teach the faux christians how to behave through our own example... with kindness, love, charity, etc.

I don't know, this is just my attempt to make sense of this rambling thought trail, this chain reaction set off by a passing interaction on facebook with someone I don't even know. It is my attempt to make sense of myself.

It is easy to get caught up in the derision game, but in the end, it is unkind. There is already so much division, and so much of it is drawn along lines of belief. Belief is something that is supposed to enrich our lives and make us better people. Kinder people.

I am by no means an atheist, I have my beliefs. Maybe I should try to do better by them myself before I go out casting stones. 




Saturday, August 3, 2013

Car Hacking...

I heard an interesting story on Science Friday on NPR yesterday and it peaked my interest and imagination. Ira interviewed Charlie Miller and Chris Valasek, two security experts who figured out how to hack into a car and control the horn, steering wheel,speedometer, and brakes through the on-board computer systems. They could do a remote attack by accessing bluetooth or wireless signals that the devices in the car use to communicate (like if you have tires that transmit pressure information using a wireless signal). I thought this was really interesting, so here is the podcast. The interesting thing about all of this is that if someone were to exploit one of these security vectors, there would be no way at all to prove that it had happened. By doing just this, Chris and Charlie hope car makers will move towards some sort of security for their onboard systems because there is no way at this time to protect your car. To me, this has the makings of a great story. A lot of comments were fears of people running out and hacking people on the road, with the result of hundreds of cars suddenly veering off the freeway. So far no one has ever been hacked outside of this experiment. Interesting stuff.

Monday, July 29, 2013

What's going on...

The gears are in motion. I am sitting at my newly rearranged workspace. It is dusk, and everything is quiet. My storyboard is hung on the wall to my left, my new computer is ready and waiting.

I have organized over a hundred story fragments in Google Drive, along with the big one. The big Kahuna... the one that I am saving for later, when (if) things get big. Stories from Old Darkrose, stories from Selcouth Manor, stories from Desolation, and more.

I have 4 new story outlines, one that I am very excited about (working title: E-line), and I have even purchased a domain... www.corvidbird.com is coming. Corvid's nest, where corvid will keep her shiny things. The site should be up and running in about three weeks.

Do not fear, faithful reader (all 2 of you), Evil Candy will live on. I will link to the blog and have plans to designate a day for blogging, in order to provide updates with more regularity. Eventually Evil Candy will become part of Corvid's Nest. I have also created a Tumblr blog, and an account on DeviantArt.

I would very much like to find a comic book artist. I have a few things I think would work exceptionally well in graphic novel format. I love comics and have always wanted to write one. Easier said than done when your drawing skills are as lacking as mine. (Speaking of comics. I went to see Wolverine yesterday. Hugh Jackman's chest is a force to be reckoned with, I am fairly certain the rest of the movie was good, too). I remember my very first comic book. The February 1982 edition of What If? Titled "What if Wolverine had Killed the Hulk?" (and yes, I bought it in 1982, at a 7-11. I was 15). It was my first introduction to Wolverine, and the Xmen. I was sold. I scraped up money every month, and waited impatiently for the new editions to come out. I remember the first time I discovered there were actual shops that sold nothing but comics and I could buy any edition I wanted any time I wanted to. I could catch up on everything I missed, fill in all the gaps, and discover new characters. I bought every Xman comic, and every single thing I could find with Wolverine in it. He was my absolute favorite character. Comics were my world, a great escape from a difficult life. Even to this day, when I think of a story, it plays out in my mind like a comic book. For me that would be a big dream come true, to write a comic of my own. I am working on making that happen.

There is something to be said for setting an idea into motion. Of imagining a thing, and then just moving forward as if the imagination could actually become a reality. I am plugging away a little at a time, and soon I shall have something other for you to read than just my meanderings here.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I'm Not your Bitch...


Okay, hey, no I am NOT DEAD! I haven't died, I have just been thinking... and mulling things over a bit. I know you have been awaiting my next post as impatiently as a George R. R. Martin novel, but Niel Gaiman says he is not your bitch, and neither am I.

What have I been doing, you may ask? Well aside from chat trips for virtual beer and pizza with Sasha to talk about life, the universe, and everything (he is doing well, I will tell him you asked)... I have been formulating a plan. Oh, indeed I have.

See, all my life I have been in the proverbial conundrum regarding what I want to be when I grow up. I have always sort of fancied myself a writer, but not in the serious "I am gonna do this shit!" way. More in the "well... I write, and it's good, and people read it, but I am not really a writer... you know, a WRITER writer..." kind of way. As a result, I just sort of piddle with writing and angst over not doing anything artistic and creative, and work a dull job and live a life that could be a little better. My excuse, designed with great skill to keep me from making any real effort, has always been "but, I don't know where to start!"

For one reason or another I have a tendency to lose confidence in my work about half way through so I talk myself out of finishing, or get caught up editing and re-editing because I never think it is good enough. I get frustrated and put it away, sometimes for months at a time. Sometimes I never pick it up again. I am coming to realize how destructive this really is.

Well. I am done.
You are only given so many stories.

I am going to make an honest effort of it. The writing thing. The WRITING writing thing. I am getting a domain name, making a page, compiling my stuff. Not just the one story, but ALL the stories. All the stories I haven't shared, and the one I have. I am getting organized. I am creating a workspace, setting up my computer, creating a schedule. And most of all I am going to acknowledge the fact, to myself and others, that I am a writer.

Basically, without boring you with the tedious details, I am taking action. Serious action, because life is short and I really want to do this. Maybe by confessing what I want to do here, in this space, it will serve as a commitment of sorts. A promise to myself that I will not give up, that I will follow through, and start putting the stories out there. I hope I can count on you for support, encouragement, comments, jokes, feedback, and perhaps the occasional care package of essential salty carbs.

Several of you (and you know who you are), have been most encouraging. "You are good!" you say. "I like your stuff." Well, isn't that all it takes? To write and have others read and appreciate? I am hoping so. I am determined at this point in my life to stop being sensible, and just go for it. I don't care if  I never actually make a living doing it, I don't care if only a few people read what I have to say. I need to write... I need to write as a writer.


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Dyscalculia Resources

After my last post I was kind of blown away at the response. I received messages from people, comments on facebook, etc. The common thread seemed to be "I am so glad you wrote that, it helped me..." It helped me know I am not crazy, it helped me understand what is going on with me, it helped me understand a different aspect of what I already knew I had.

A few things really struck me. 1. There must be a serious lack of resources out there if people are getting this kind of relief from a blog. 

2. Dyscalculia has always been something I kept to myself, especially at work, during graduate school, etc. I was embarrassed, no one knew what I was talking about when I mentioned it, and I always felt uncomfortable, like I was doing something wrong by acknowledging it. But after that last post I realized, I need to acknowledge it. I need to do more than acknowledge it, I need to speak out about it, I need to write about it, and I need to offer what little information I can to help people who go through the same things as me.

And...

3. It seems like most of the resources are in the UK. They seem to do a pretty good job acknowledging this disability. The US however, is a different story. So...

I figured the first thing I could do is compile a list of resources. I am going to list them in order from resources for children to resources for adults.

Most of this information came from the National Center for Learning Disabilities. There is a wealth of information on their site, I just linked to some helpful first steps.

So first, let's start with Dr. Sheldon Horowitz @LD_expert, and his definition of Dyscalculia.

What is Dyscalculia?

Print Version

Common Warning Signs Pre-K to 2yrs

Common Warning Signs grades 3-8

Common Warning Signs grades 9-12

Common Warning Signs in College Age Students and Adults

HOW TO REQUEST AN EVALUATION this is for parents of school age children

Sample Evaluation Request Letter

Types of Tests to Assess for Learning Related Disorders

How Parents and Teachers Can Help Elementary Children With Math LD

The SAT and ACT for Students with Learning Disabilities

10 Helpful Dyscalculia Resources

APPs to Help Students with Dyscalculia and Math Difficulties

Learning Disabilities in Adulthood

Being a Spouse or Partner with a Learning Disability

Common Problems and Easy Solutions in the Workplace

Job Accomodations for People with Learning Disabilities

Risks and Rewards for Adults with Learning Disabilities

Managing Money if you have an LD or ADHD

The Advocacy Institute

Dyscalculia.org

Learning Disability Association of Michigan

Helpguide.org


It's a start, and I hope someone somewhere out there finds this helpful.

I think my biggest takeaway from the responses I received to my post was this...

We have got to tell our stories. We have got to tell our stories for a number of reasons. First, we need to tell them so that others can hear them and know they are not alone and that there is help. Secondly, we need to tell them so that people in the position to help are aware of the great need. Third, we need to tell them in order to advocate for ourselves and remove the sense of shame for something that is entirely not our fault, and that we have no control over. We need to tell our stories less as a form of commiseration, and more as a means of empowerment. We need to make some noise.

Basically what I am saying is this... every day needs to be Dyscalculia day, until every kid that struggles with it has the help he or she needs.

Just sayin...


















Sunday, March 3, 2013

Happy Dyscalculia Day!

Parts of this post are reproduced from another blog that I used to
write but have since abandoned
I have issues with my left supramarginal gyrus (edit: or my right intraparietal sulcus, depending on which study you believe).  When I was young I had two things happen that could have damaged it. One, an extremely high fever that almost killed me, and two, a serious blow to the back of my head. Whatever it was, it damaged my brain. At least that is what the people at the place I got tested told me.

As a result I have what is known as a "severe and profound" learning disability. It's called Dyscalculia. Some people want to simplify it and call it "Math Dyslexia," but it is more than that.
I have failed almost every math class I have ever taken. I have had difficulty with most sciences like chemistry and physics. I failed a lot of classes in school. PE was a nightmare, and forget any technical classes like shop.

English, reading, writing, theatre, comprehension, however, were a different story. I excelled in them, scored off the charts. I had an IQ test and scored very high. I was identified as gifted and talented, and put into gifted programs.

Because of this, all my life people have told me I am lazy and I just don't try hard enough. They compare what I go through to how much they hate spelling or algebra because its hard. This is more than hard. This is more than just your dislike of doing something difficult.

This is more than just a problem with numbers. I had bad coordination, I had a hard time riding a bike, I couldn't tell left from right (and still have to take pause and think about it when caught off guard), I had trouble making friends, I couldn't make change and was afraid to use money. I was often mocked and made fun of my math teachers who thought I was just screwing around. When called on in certain classes it took me a lot longer to reason my way to answers than a lot of the other kids.  I was punished by my parents because I couldn't learn (and still don't know to this day) my times tables.

My real mother bought a deck of flash cards. She would show the cards and then yell at me for the ones I got wrong. She finally became so frustrated that she would hit me with a belt for every card I failed to get right. I got hit a lot.

My dad just couldn't understand why I couldn't get it. He told me I needed to apply myself more. He compared my inability to do math to his struggles in his calculus and trigonometry classes in college getting an aeronautics degree...

My stepmother really tried to help me. She would sit up with me all night sometimes, trying to do homework. Showing me the same problems over and over and over again. By the end of every session I might barely grasp the concept. The next night it was like I had never seen the problems before. She was patient, and I think I would have flunked out of school a lot earlier if it wasn't for her, but no one had ever heard of Dyscalculia at the time, so she just couldn't understand why the math wouldn't stick with me.

It got to the point where I would become physically ill and throw up when I was confronted with having to do math. I would ditch classes because they terrified me. I thought everyone was laughing at me. Everyone thought I was stupid, and so did I.

I didn't find out what the problem was until I was an adult and I got tested. This is AFTER dropping out of high school in the 10th grade, flunking out of my first year of college, flunking every math class, and failing my foreign language classes because once we got to the grammar portion I would lose it... it affects grammar processing too. As well as doing poorly in my minimum wage jobs, mainly working in situations where I had to handle money and was unable to tally things up correctly.

I love music but I never learned to read a note. I can't play an instrument, and I have tried, but Musical notes are math, and the theory escapes me. I have a good ear though... so good, in fact, that I managed to fool dozens of musical theatre directors into thinking I actually could read the score, when in fact I was just learning it by ear.

I learned all kinds of ways to get around my disability.

No one has ever heard of my problem, so I don't talk about it very much. When I do, I get looks like I am making it up, or just trying to find something wrong with myself. It is still hard to not give in to the idea that I just need to try harder. I love learning, I always have. I wasn't lazy, I was scared and confused. The thought that I am just not applying myself baffles me. I achieved a Master's Degree... with high honors. How the fuck harder am I supposed to apply myself?

With that being said...

Today is National Dyscalculia Day, and I feel I have an obligation to try to raise a bit of awareness. so I am posting this..

What is Dyscaluculia? Well...

From The Dyscalculia Forum:
What Is Dyscalculia?
The Basic Facts
Dyscalculia is a specific learning disability in mathematics. Dyscalculia is a word you use to describe when people have significant problems with numbers - but still have a normal or above normal IQ. It seems that no dyscalculic has problems with math alone, but also struggle with problems being able to learn to tell time, left/right orientation, rules in games and much more. (See the list of symptoms). Also, there are more than one type of dyscalculia, and all types demand specific learning methods aimed at the specific problem.

Is Dyscalculia Real?
Dyscalculics say it is. Teachers say it is. WHO and DSM say it is. See the bottom of this page for the official listings of dyscalculia in the medical world.


How Common Is Dyscalculia?
According to UK studies done by Gross-Tsur, Manor and Shalev in 1996, 6.5% are dyscalculic. According to studies done by Lewis, Hitch and Walker in 1994, 1.3% are dyscalculic while 2.3% are dyscalculic AND dyslexic - that means that according to this study 3.6% of the World's population are dyscalculic.

That gives a total of between 3.6 and 6.5% of the World's population. And again: That means, according to these two studies, that between 216.000.000 (two hundred and sixteen million) and 390.000.000 (three hundred and ninety million) people are dyscalculic - if we say that there are 600.000.000.000 (six billion) people in the world. No international study has been done on how common it is.

What Is The Male/Female Prevalence?
Although dyslexia seems to have a take on the male population (30% female versus 70% male), when it comes to dyscalculia studies show that the representation is equal - 50% female, 50% male.

Are There Types Of Dyscalculia?
Yes. Just like dyslexia, there are many versions of dyscalculia. Researchers have yet to come to a final decision, and they are not working together, which means that at least over 50 types have been given a name. We have guts here at the forum, so we have decided to stick with 4 types that make sense according to the forum users. These names are from a study done by Geary in 2004. You can read about the 4 types in the forums - there are subforums for each type, where we try to figure out all we can about the types.

Semantic retrieval dyscalculia
Procedural dyscalculia
Visuospatial dyscalculia
Number fact dyscalculia

Dys...Cal...Culia?
To pronounce it you say "dis-cal-cew-lee-ah". When a person has dyscalculia, you say that they are "dyscalculic" - "dis-cal-cew-leek".

The word dyscalculia comes from Greek and Latin and means "counting badly". The word "dys" comes from Greek and means "badly". "Calculie" comes from the Latin "calculare", which means "to count". The word "calculare" again comes from "calculus", which means "pebble" or one of the counters on an abacus. No one seems to know when the word "dyscalculia" to life - the earliest we have come across is this advertisement in The New York Times from May 1968. We do however know that researchers have used other words for what they found to be some sort of disability in maths (which they already found in the 1800s); arithmetic disability, arithmetic deficit, mathematical disability and so on. The media has been using words like digit dyslexia, number blindness and the obvious maths dyslexia.

Lots of variations of the word exist - Dyscalculi, discalculi, discalculia and so on. This seems to be spelling mistakes caused by general lack of knowledge about the disability, and the fact that no government has officially named the disability "dyscalculia", but instead goes by the WHO (specific disorder of arithmetical skills) and DSM (mathematics disorder) terms. Dyslexia is not officially named dyslexia either. In other words, dyslexia and dyscalculia are nicknames. It would be hard to say "specific disorder of arithmetical skills" every time you would mention this disability, wouldn't it?

"You Can Do It If You Want To!"
Probably followed by "and if you try hard enough". This is a typical remark from teachers and parents to motivate the student - and although it can be meant in the BEST way possible, it is not true when it comes to dyscalculic students. The thing a dyscalculic wants most in this world is to be able to understand those numbers. Dyscalculics need different learning methods, in every aspect of the assignment. Dyscalculics are able to learn how to calculate something one day, only to discover that the information has been forgotten the next day. In other words programs like Kumon, where repetition is a major part of the teaching methods seem to have no result for dyscalculic students - they forget. Through different learning methods aimed specifically at the student and his/her version of dyscalculia can have great results.

What Is Acalculia?
Acalculia is caused by serious brain damage. While it is possible to learn maths when you have dyscalculia, it seems impossible when acalculia is the problem - there simply is no understanding for numbers at all; not even the simple task of counting to ten. Acalculia is listed in WHO ICD 10 under R48.8. (corvid here, I am now starting to believe that I may have Acalculia).

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, otherwise known as DSM, is the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental health professionals in the United States and some countries in the Western world. It is published by the American Psychiatric Association. This is the official listing of dyscalculia in the DSM-IV;

Students with a mathematics disorder have problems with their math skills. Their math skills are significantly below normal considering the student’s age, intelligence, and education.

As measured by a standardized test that is given individually, the person's mathematical ability is substantially less than you would expect considering age, intelligence and education. This deficiency materially impedes academic achievement or daily living. If there is also a sensory defect, the mathematics deficiency is worse than you would expect with it.

Associated Features:
Conduct disorder
Attention deficit disorder
Depression
Other Learning Disorders
Low Self-Esteem
Social problems
Increased dropout rate at school

Here is a list of Symptoms, also from The Dyscalculia Forum.
You could take off the title "List of Symptoms," and just put my name at the top of the list, because every single one of these applies to me. When I was tested I was found to have 3 of the 4 types of Dyscalculia.

Normal or accelerated language acquisition: verbal, reading, writing. Poetic ability. Good visual memory for the printed word. Good in the areas of science (until a level requiring higher math skills is reached), geometry (figures with logic not formulas), and creative arts.


Mistaken recollection of names. Poor name/face retrieval. Substitute names beginning with same letter.


Difficulty with the abstract concepts of time and direction. Inability to recall schedules, and sequences of past or future events. Unable to keep track of time. May be chronically late.


Inconsistent results in addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. Poor mental math ability. Poor with money and credit. Cannot do financial planning or budgeting. Checkbooks not balanced. Short term, not long term financial thinking. Fails to see big financial picture. May have fear of money and cash transactions. May be unable to mentally figure change due back, the amounts to pay for tips, taxes, etc.


When writing, reading and recalling numbers, these common mistakes are made: number additions, substitutions, transpositions, omissions, and reversals.

Inability to grasp and remember math concepts, rules, formulas, sequence (order of operations), and basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division facts. Poor long term memory (retention & retrieval) of concept mastery- may be able to perform math operations one day, but draw a blank the next! May be able to do book work but fails all tests and quizzes.


May be unable to comprehend or "picture" mechanical processes. Lack "big picture/ whole picture" thinking. Poor ability to "visualize or picture" the location of the numbers on the face of a clock, the geographical locations of states, countries, oceans, streets, etc.



Poor memory for the "layout" of things. Gets lost or disoriented easily. May have a poor sense of direction, loose things often, and seem absent minded. (Remember the absent minded professor?)


May have difficulty grasping concepts of formal music education. Difficulty sight-reading music, learning fingering to play an instrument, etc.


May have poor athletic coordination, difficulty keeping up with rapidly changing physical directions like in aerobic, dance, and exercise classes. Difficulty remembering dance step sequences, rules for playing sports.


Difficulty keeping score during games, or difficulty remembering how to keep score in games, like bowling, etc. Often looses track of whose turn it is during games, like cards and board games. Limited strategic planning ability for games, like chess.

____

Yep.. I definitely suck at chess.

I hate that I can't help my kids with their math. I hate that I struggle with things that come so easily to other people. I hate that I can go from seeming like an intelligent person to seeming like an idiot in about 10 seconds. It embarrassing and causes anxiety so severe that I get physically ill. I hate that no one NO ONE thought I had a problem. I hate that no one tried to help me. I hate that my love of learning was destroyed when I was a kid because of this. I hate that I could have achieved so much more if someone would have just recognized that I had a problem instead of writing me off as lazy.

If you are reading this and you know exactly what I am talking about, then get tested, help yourself. Once you know what it is, you can start to address it, you can understand, and start feeling better about yourself.

Happy Dyscalculia Day.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Hak Mir Nit Kain Tsheinik!

(Okay, so he beat me to the post. I am not polite.)

You should imagine the title to this post being muttered under the breath in a male voice with an Israeli accent. Make it a nice, thick accent, just for argument's sake. If you don't know what an Israeli accent sounds like, please consult Youtube.

So, today I spent some time once again trying to convince Sasha that rather than be an innocent bystander, he should once again write on the blog. Yes. I am a nag. BUT, I have a reason. Actually, I have several.

First. He is good. Go back in the archives (way back) and have a look if you have any doubts. Second. I really enjoy writing with him, I like reading what he has to say.

But it's more than that. And of course, me being me, I had to think about what my motivations were and try to understand WHY I want him to come back and write so much, and what the "more than that" was. And as usual, a post that starts as something small will most likely grow to encompass a larger issue.

So let's start with -
Everything that irritates us about others... Can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. ~ Jung.

I like talking (or more accurately Im'ing) to Sasha because often times he has a very different perspective of things than I do. Sometimes his responses are irritating, especially his refusal to just accept my explanation of things, and even more especially... when he plays the devil's advocate just for the fun of it.

But then I have to analyze why it irritates me, I have to look at things from a slightly different perspective because I want to understand why he sees a particular issue so much differently than I.

Our conversations can be challenging, but I appreciate that. Even more so, when we write together (this isn't the only place we have collaborated, this is just our non-fiction jaunt), I get a better picture of how he sees things, and it challenges me to work a little harder to get past my own cultural confines. In other words, I feel like my conversations and collaborations with Sasha make me a better writer. I have written some of my best posts here as a response to a conversation that we have had. I have written some of my best fiction work in collaboration with him.

Now, it has probably never occurred to him that he motivates me to write better, but he does. He isn't afraid to say "really? This is it?" or to tell me if I am being sentimental, or to challenge my ideas. I value that. He may not even realize he does it, it is just Sasha being Sasha. It is just him giving his observations.

Perhaps much of it is my own construct, but the fact remains, he is a good writer and makes me want to be a better writer, so this is a large part of my motivation.

Moving now to
Friendship is unecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of the things that gives value to survival. ~ CS Lewis

On a personal level, Sasha and I have been online friends for quite a long time now. The tide ebbs and flows, but we still manage to get at least a "hey, how ya doin'?" in from time to time. I have said before, I wish I could know Sasha, and his family, face to face. I wish I could go sit and have a beer and pizza in the little pub down the street from his house that he frequents. I wish I could have arguments with him and yell and have 3 different conversations at the same time while waving my hands in the air. I wish I had friends that challenged me as much as this one, distant individual from another country does. Again, he probably doesn't even realize, he is just being Sasha. I think much of the challenge comes from what I think he is thinking. So it grows into a bigger thing than it may actually be, but he planted the seed, so there you go.

I like to think about things. Whether passively or purposefully, he makes me think about things.

I like his perspective. I like trying to unravel the complexities of his culture, and I hope I open a broader window into my own. That was what this blog was all about in the first place, trying to come at ideas from different sides of the world, and reach understanding. At least for me. Because this kind of thing fascinates me...

And, I have a strong desire to step out of my own back yard. I want to know the world, and understand why it is the way it is. I want to peel back the blinders of my cultural bias and social conditioning and see things from a different point of view. I want culture shock. I want to experience difference. Right now, this is as close as I can come... challenging myself here, and talking to my distant friend. One day I will travel, perhaps I may even travel to Israel. But for now...

I like those times when the realization hits me that we are so different.
It drives me to understand. That is really my deepest motivation. Understanding. Which leads us to -

A bigger picture perspective...
Truth springs from argument amongst friends. ~
Hume

It is diplomacy on a small scale. It is the concerted effort to understand the other, and it makes me more aware. I read the news more, I pay attention when I hear the NPR guy talking about what is going on "over there," because "over there" is no longer nebulous and distant. It is real, and much closer, because my friend is "over there," living through what I am only listening to. I wonder what is going on, and if things are alright.

 So...  I start reading newspapers from "over there,"  history, commentary... in the attempt to understand.

The internet is an endless sea of porn, shopping, reddit, 4chan, empty blogs, ranting lunatics, and more porn. But occasionally the internet offers us a gem beyond value. Awareness of the plight of individuals or groups... the seeds of budding democracy... access to withheld information...

Understanding...

Even if it stems from a conversation and collaboration between two distant friends.

Maybe Bill is right...
The Internet is becoming the town square for the global village of tomorrow. ~ Bill Gates.


At any rate, it makes me think. I share my thoughts with others, and they share theirs with more. It's small, but it's worthy.


And there, I have again managed to make something large out of something small. And in so doing, Sasha has beaten me to the post. I hope we see much more of him around here.



I write therefore I... Whatever.

Sasha here. It's been a while since I dropped by. Corvid's been on my case, trying to get me to blog again. She doesn't really nag much, just does this annoyingly polite thing trying to convince me to write something. I'm sure she doesn't think it's polite but it is. Not that it's a bad thing, just... I dunno. Foreign somehow.

So yeah, here we are.

I guess I have a few things I could talk about. Or rant or something. But I should go pick up the kids, so... Maybe later. It's what I usually say when I don't know if I'd ever get around to doing something - maybe later. As vague as it gets. It's a horrible thing to say.

So I gotta go. Maybe I'll write something later.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

That Which Doesn't Kill You, Hurts...

Alright, I know, I was supposed to follow up from the last post, but something is stuck in my proverbial craw, and I need to get it out.

We don't allow people to heal in our culture, and as a result, our society is filled with the walking wounded.

On the physical end of things, people have to work through illness, get on their feet, get back into the game as quickly as possible. It doesn't matter if they aren't completely recovered. I could have used some extra time to adjust to my new medication and recover from having surgery, but I couldn't afford it. Last year there was a woman at work who went through the same thing I did. I remember managers at work talking about her as if she were a slacker because when she came back she didn't function at 100%. Well no fucking duh, you morons. She had her thyroid taken out, had to take radioactive pills, then had to take a medication that makes you feel either like you are insane, if you have too much, or like you are going to die of exhaustion, if you have too little. It takes a while to adjust those levels. Not the mention having your calcium levels drop so you curl up like you are having a stroke, having pain in your throat from injured vocal chords... I could go on. I have seen people behind desks who have lost all their hair to chemo, and yet there they are, working. WHY? Because they can't afford not to. Because our society thinks if you need a break, you are lazy. If you need help, you are a freeloader. If you are sick, you are worthless and weak. If you are old, you are disposable.

It pisses me off, so much so that my grammar goes out the window along with my wit and sarcasm. I have had major illnesses twice, and twice I had to come back to work before I was ready and struggle to keep up my responsibilities and not drop the ball despite still being sick, because I couldn't afford not to.

We live in a society where a soldier can get blown up over and over again, and then come home and have to fight to have anyone believe they have a traumatic brain injury, and god forbid they suffer from PTSD.

We live in a society where people go bankrupt due to illness.

We live in a society where once you run out of money you are out of luck.

There are at least three people I see daily in the city where I live who have lost a limb and have to beg on the street corner. I am sure the guy who lost his leg at the hip and only has one crutch is just a lousy bum who should get a job.

But if you live in America, you better pray to whatever powers that be that if you have to get sick, it's physical, because if you have mental trauma, or worse yet, a mental illness, you are fucked.

Mental illness is in the news alot right now, the gun huggers are pointing their fingers in a diversion attempt to draw the conversation away from gun control. "Guns don't kill people, crazy people kill people." Well, actually, crazy people with guns kill people, but that is a different rant.

Mental illness has a tremendous stigma in this country. We should just understand it is a medical condition and treat it accordingly, but we don't. We have a "don't ask, don't tell policy" regarding mental illness in this country. I won't ask you if you need help, don't tell me about your problems. If you are mentally ill you are thrown in the "worthless, freeloading, shiftless bum" category,  mainly because of Republican cuts to mental health care, housing and mental health programs during the Reagan administration. People like to pretend that there is not a homeless problem in the riches country in the world, but there is, and a large majority of those people are not freeloading bums, they are the mentally ill.

Even in our own family circles we don't allow healing. Just get up, dust off. Something happened to you that hurt? Just suck it up, don't be a sissy, get over it.

Why are we so averse to acknowledging someone else's pain? What has happened to our compassion? Our empathy?

My dad always says "you need to compartmentalize things, just put it in a compartment in your mind and leave it there." Well, what happens when you run out of compartments? Why should you have to hide your hurt? Especially if it is something major. He has tons of little compartments filled with Viet Nam War, and Divorce, and Death of Friends and Loved Ones, and innumerable other terrible things he has gone through in his life. There is no conversation, there is no sharing. I think never acknowledging your own pain is a terrible idea that can lead to some really bad things down the road.

Why can we never acknowledge when we need a little time to heal? Why don't we allow others to do the same? Why don't we open ourselves up to our friends and families to allow them a safe haven to rest. To share. To heal themselves? Why don't we care for one another on the most basic of levels? Health is more than just being able to get up out of bed every day and go to work. Contributing is more than just paying your bills and taxes.  We are so removed from each other as human beings. We do not acknowledge our connection with each other. We are isolating ourselves more and more with every passing day and then we wonder why people snap, flip out, and do crazy crazy things.. because they lose their grip on reality.

The grip is communal people. The grip on reality comes from our social contract, from our compassion, our civility, our kindness, our sharing, our openess... our willingness to help our fellows and to allow them to heal and recover from injury, whether it is physical, mental, or spiritual. Our grip comes from lifting each other out of the muck, giving each other a hand up, helping the less fortunate, protecting the weakest among us, sheltering the vulnerable. God exists in the grip, you don't know that if you don't acknowledge it. It is love and care of your fellow human that keeps them in the realm of the sane. The more we lose sight of that, the more we will see inexplicable and horrific tragedy.

What I don't understand is why do we persist in this model when all the evidence shows it is detrimental? Why are we so resistant to change, even when we can see proof that a compassionate society that allows its citizens time to heal, paid sick leave, health care, maternity leave... a society that nurtures its citizens... is a civilized and successful society that leads to tremendous quality of life, lack of worry and fear, and satisfaction and happiness amongst its citizens. Why are we so resistant to caring for each other?

I am hoping that we are on the edge of change. We certainly cannot continue in the same vein. Things are usually the darkest before the dawn. I choose to believe that. I hope I am not wrong.











Friday, February 1, 2013

Against the Wind...

Today's post is dedicated to two friends... one new, and one dear. It is my wish for their success, despite the heavy layer of expectation laid upon them by family, friends, and society in general.

We are social creatures, (I will be discussing this in detail in my next post), and love to set norms, expectations, and dictates regarding what is "normal," "healthy," "sane," "acceptable," "right," "the way things should happen," etc. As a result we cause each other a tremendous amount of stress, pain, heartache, anxiety, and uncertainty. This can make embarking into an unconventional relationship frought with obstacles, most of which are the opinions of others.

Why do we care so much about what other people think? It's easy to say "the hell with what you think, I am doing my own thing!" Actually undertaking your own thing in the face of social/familial/peer disapproval can be quite another matter, however. And if we DO step out, it is usually with a great deal of cognitive dissonnance... "Are they right? Am I being foolish? What if I fail? What if this person is terrible? What if everything goes wrong? What if...?"

And from the perspective of the peer, the urge to bring the individual who is deviating from the norm back into compliance is nearly irresistable. What drives this in us? Again, a discussion for the next post.

 It is debatable why we do this to each other, there are many theories (and by theory I mean scientific explanation, not guess or conjecture). I have respect for people who are strong enough to still pursue their own mind, despite what others may say or do in order to keep them following the norm.

If we could overcome some of this, we might open ourselves up to the possibility of more happiness. It's deeply ingrained, however.

One wonders.

At any rate, I wish my friends all the best. I wish them happiness and success. I wish them longevity and trust and wonder. I wish this to work out.

And if it doesn't.. well... I told ya so.







Wednesday, January 30, 2013

You Mom'd it all up!

A'rriiight!
So I was thinking today, and one thing led to another, as it usually does. I started out thinking about a personal experience. Then I asked a few other people if they had the same experience, and they said yes they did. This made me think about said experience more and begin to wonder why it happens.

The experience is as follows. Grow up all your life listening to your grandparents and parents go on about fidelity and sticking with your partner. Working through the hard times, sticking by someone even if they have difficulties or make a bad decision. That grit and stick-to-it-ness we discussed a few entries back. Until death do you part. So here they are after 20-40-50 years of being together and going through some serious shit and coming out the other side intact... and then when YOU have an issue their advice is "dump him. Move on. Get out of there." When you say "but I love this person, I don't want to dump them, I want to work it out," then you are foolish and making a bad decision. I don't get it. Why? And several friends I have asked all agree, yes, that was the advice. I stuck with my partner and we have been together forever, but you should bail. If you don't, you are a sucker, and no matter what your spouse does to get it right, or no matter how great they were before they made their mistake, they suck for the rest of all time, and are never forgiven.

At first I asked questions like "why isn't my relationship as important or valid as yours?" or "Why don't you think I deserve love or something that lasts forever?"

But then I received enlightenment in the form of a television show called Bob's Burgers.  The mom comes in and tries to join in with the kids while they are doing their thing. One of the kids yells "YOU MOM'D IT ALL UP!" This made me start thinking about things from a different perspective.

Maybe that is what they are doing, parents. Momming it all up. It's not that they don't see your emotions and your love and commitment to that other person as less important or invalid. It's that they can't see past you. They are physically and emotional incapable of seeing the bigger picture, and like all parents, have great difficulty letting their kids figure out the really hard stuff on their own and make their own decisions. To them, you are still the little kid struggling to get up the ladder for the slide on the playground. Instead of letting you do it yourself, figure it out for yourself, maybe fail or fall... they pick you up and set you on top. It's not because they don't think you are capable or that you can't do it, no, it's that it is so hard to watch someone they love that much struggle, so they just run in and save the day. They want to fix it and end the struggle fast. They say "cut your losses and get out." They say "you are more important than this other person I am less emotionally invested in and who has hurt you or made life difficult for you. Lets just go to the top of the slide and leave this jerk at the bottom." They mom it all up.

A friend posted an article on facebook the other day where the author requested that strangers not help her daughter on the playground because her daughter needed to learn to do things on her own. She needed to fail in order to learn how to succeed. She needed the self confidence that comes from figuring things out. There is wisdom here, whether your kid is 4 or 40. The best thing parents can do is give their kids the strength to make their own decisions, and then love them and support them once those decisions are made.

Now granted, we are not talking about abuse here, that is something different.

But sometimes things can get really hard in a relationship. Unimaginably hard, and there is nothing wrong with two people fighting to keep their family together, fighting to keep their relationship intact... until they are completely satisfied that there is no hope, until they know for sure they have struck the last blow in vain. For parents, this can be torturous. But just like at the playground. You just need to sit on the bench and let them figure it out, and when they do, respect that... because they are trying to be like you. They want to be the ones 20-40-50 years from now proud of how they worked it out, and came through the really serious shit... together. They learned it from you, or maybe they didn't, maybe they want a different life... so don't mom it all up.

Remember, you are going to be gone one day, and your kid is going to have to live the rest of their lives without you... it's that life partner that is going to be there with them until the end, so let them work out the hard stuff and grow stronger. Don't mom it all up.

Hopefully I can follow my own advice one day, and I won't mom it all up either.



EDIT:
Okay, so a friend of mine posted her feelings on this topic on her blog HERE, check it out. And here is my response by way of a little more clarification -

Corvid here.
yes, I can definitely see where you are coming from in this post, and I think that this is the point where “letting them make their own decision” comes into the mix. I am divorced, my first marriage didn’t work out, and it was good that we both went our separate ways (edit: With lots of advice to do so from my parents! Good advice!). The difference between my first and second marriage is that I want to make this one work, I choose to… and so does my partner. He just happened to have made a poor choice and had a really difficult time. I decided to stick by him. My parents didn’t think it was such a good idea, but so far it is turning out well. I think in your case, if you are in a relationship you don’t want, then other actions should be taken, and I hope you find a way to get the outcome you would like to have. Thanks for reading my post and taking the time to link to it and comment on it. I will do the same

One of the things that puzzles me is this - the person I am with now is a far better person than the one I was with before. The person I am with now is trying hard to overcome his difficulties. The person I was with before gets less vitriol than the one I am currently with. Maybe I just wont understand until I am in that position myself, and hopefully I wont have to be, cause I bet I will mom it all up ;)


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Facts are real.

Say fascism one more time, motherfucker!
Say it again! I DARE YOU!
Okay, so, this is gonna be a long one, and I know it's dangerous ground, but I have girded up my loins, loaded my assault weapon, and fortified myself with a picture of Jules Winnfield because the shit is about to get real.

Health care Reform. There. I said it.

We need it, we have received pieces of it. It's a fair start, but it is not enough, and people need to stop crying about it. First, lets just get some things out on the table and out of the way.


1. Yes, there is a black man in the white house. Get over it.
2. Yes he won the election again. You were out-voted. We lived with your guy in charge for 8 years, now it's our turn. Suck it up and get over it.
3. No, the black man does not hate America. He is not a Nazi, a Fascist, a Communist, a terrorist, a black Muslim, or a radical Christian. He was born in the United States. He is not going to come take your guns, force you to gay marry, stop you from practicing your religion, nor would he stage the mass murder of 26 children and teachers so that the great gun ban could be set in motion, or any of the other wacko bullcrap that seems to spring up every other day, so can we stop with the conspiracy theories and stick to the facts please?

So where was I? Oh yeah... Health care reform.

Here is a little background:

United States citizens spend more per capita than any other developed nation on health care. We have less available hospital beds than every developed nation besides China, less doctors and nurses per capita, one of the highest rates of death by preventable diseases in the developed world, 48 million people without health insurance, with as many as 26,000 to 44,000 dying from illness due to lack of health coverage annually. As many as 1 in 3 children are uninsured for substantial periods of time, more than half of which are from families of moderate income. Basically, these families make too much to have their children covered under medicaid, and can't afford regular insurance. Now, granted, these numbers are reported in various sources and taken from census information from 2009-2010, however, experts agree that the numbers haven't budged much since these reports were written. Regardless of a difference in numbers, studies have shown that uninsured people are 40 percent more likely to suffer death from illness than those with coverage (Journal of National Public Health), that statistic alone should be enough to make us say "hey, this is serious!"

Then there is the myth that anyone can receive health care by going to an emergency room. Emergency rooms can address your acute symptoms, but their next step is to refer you to a physician to determine what is actually wrong with you. If you do not have insurance, that can be tough. Either you won't be seen, or you have to pay up front at the time of service. If you can't afford that, you remain sick.  Up until last year insurance companies could deny coverage for children who had preexisting conditions. Even if you do have insurance you are at the mercy of your insurance company for which procedures they deem necessary and that they chose to cover.

How is it that this could be the state of affairs in the richest, most powerful, and by our own definition, most egalitarian country in the world?

According to Business Insider (among others) the countries that rate highest in citizen satisfaction and happiness are Denmark, Canada, Norway, Netherlands, and Switzerland, in that order. All have universal health care. Of the top 36 health care systems in the world, the US isn't even on the list.

I have heard the argument that letting health care be a part of the free market will increase creativity and innovation. Well, it has been part of the free market, and this has not proven to be the case.

Commodities should be a part of the free market. Human health and well being is not a commodity. It is something that a society should protect and nurture in order for that society to thrive. By allowing our health to become a commodity, to have a certain monetary value placed upon it, we have not created a health care system, we have created a disease and death management system.

Anecdotally, I have many friends in other countries and they are always astonished when I say that I can't afford to go to the doctor, or mention what medical care costs in this country.

I have heard the argument that President Obama is a socialist and he is trying to destroy America through health care reform. Well, if that is the case, then President Roosevelt, President Truman, President Nixon, President Johnson, and President Clinton all did the same thing. How have we as a nation survived such despots!?

Every president is a bad guy to the opposition.

So, back to conspiracy theories.

I could write pages and pages about each misconception surrounding the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, or, Obamacare. I only have the time and finger dexterity to address a few.
But don't take my word for it, read it for yourself-
Bill text: http://docs.house.gov/edlabor/AAHCA-BillText-071409.pdf
Section-by-Section Analysis: http://waysandmeans.house.gov/media/pdf/111/sbys3200.pdf

What? Still here? Okay, fine. Here goes...

SO the misconception I want to address today is the one I hear about the most -
Obamacare is an all out assault on the seniors in our country.

This conspiracy was obviously developed by someone who has never read the PPACA, and has no idea what they are talking about.

Since the Health Reform Fact Check page has done all the research footwork I am going to put their info here, this page was put together by Campaign for America's Future, a progressive interest group. They do, however, site all their sources and keep to the facts, so here it is:


THE LIE- PART A: The cuts in care to pay for this bill come directly from seniors, about 500 billion dollars.
See also here .

TRUTH: As a factsheet from the Ways and Means Committee explains, "By eliminating wasteful overpayments to private plans under Medicare, reforming how doctors are reimbursed, and creating new incentives for coordinated, high quality care we will extend Trust Fund solvency and improve Medicare for generations to come." The figure of $500 billion represents savings - not cuts - that will result from specific reforms designed to increase efficiency for Medicare and Medicaid.
PART B: The bill is effectively a repeal of Medicare.
TRUTH: The House bill strengthens Medicare and Medicaid by “reallocating U.S. taxpayer dollars already being spent on health care to achieving more efficiency, higher quality, and broader coverage.”
• $156 billion in savings by eliminating overpayments to private Medicare Advantage plans over 10 years. According to the Medicare Payment Advisory Commission, private Medicare Advantage plans are currently paid, on average, 14 percent more than traditional Medicare providers – and overpayments to certain plans exceed 50 percent.
• $102 billion in savings over 10 years by incorporating productivity adjustments into Medicare payment updates for hospitals. This adjustment will encourage greater efficiency in health care provision, while more accurately aligning Medicare payments with hospital costs.
• $110 billion in savings over 10 years by: 1) codifying the recent PhRMA- White House agreement, which provides that Medicare Part D beneficiaries will get a 50 percent reduction in price on any brand-name drugs they need while in the so-called “donut hole” where drug costs are not reimbursed at certain levels; and 2) requiring that drug companies provide rebates for individuals enrolled in both Medicare and Medicaid that are at least as large as the Medicaid rebates that were provided prior to the enactment of Medicare Part D.
• $100 billion in additional savings over 10 years through numerous other provisions, including incorporating productivity adjustments into Medicare payment updates for home health agencies; and key delivery system reforms such as incentives to reduce readmissions to hospitals and promoting accountable care organizations.
Source: http://waysandmeans.house.gov/MoreInfo.asp?section=52
The bill requires hospitals, doctors, and pharmaceutical companies to achieve key efficiencies and eliminate waste in Medicare (including eliminating overpayments that are driving up profits for Medicare Advantage plans) and toughens our ability to root out fraud and abuse – but does not make cuts that hurt seniors. It also does nothing to take away choices for seniors.
On the contrary, the bill includes several key provisions that improve Medicare benefits for seniors, including the following:
Phases in completely filling in the “donut hole” in the Medicare prescription drug benefit (where drug costs are not reimbursed at certain levels), potentially savings seniors thousands of dollars a year.
Eliminates co-payments and deductibles for preventive services under Medicare.
Limits cost-sharing requirements in Medicare Advantage plans to the amount charged for the same services in traditional Medicare coverage.
Improves the low-income subsidy programs in Medicare, such as by increasing asset limits for programs that help Medicare beneficiaries pay premiums and cost-sharing.
Source: http://waysandmeans.house.gov/MoreInfo.asp?section=52
PART C: WSJ: The House bill being pushed by the president...ensures that seniors are counseled on end-of-life options, including refusing nutrition where state law allows it (pp. 425-446). In Oregon, some cancer patients are being denied care by the state that could extend their lives and instead are afforded the benefit of physician-assisted suicide instead.
TRUTH: According to a Section-by-Section Analysis of the bill (p. 18), Section 1233, on "Advance care planning consultation," "provides coverage for consultation between enrollees and practitioners to discuss orders for life-sustaining treatment" and "instructs CMS to modify "Medicare & You" handbook to incorporate measures on advance care planning into the physician's quality reporting initiative."
The legislation seeks to provide seniors with counseling that will educate them about all of their options. This provision does not mean that seniors will be denied otherwise available end-of-life care, nor does it mean they will be forced into "physician-assisted suicide."
As Rep. Blumenauer's office explains, "Advance planning consultations are not mandatory; this benefit is completely voluntary. The provision merely provides coverage under Medicare to have a conversation once every five years if – and only if – a patient wants to make his or her wishes known to a doctor. If desired, patients may have consultations more frequently if they are chronically ill or if their health status changes." Additionally, "There is no mandate in the bill to complete an advance care directive or living will. If a patient chooses to complete an advance directive or order for life sustaining treatment, these documents will help articulate a full range of treatment preferences, from full and aggressive treatment to limited, comfort care only. Patients that choose to have these documents and can customize them so that their wishes are appropriately reflected." And finally, "There are no government-chosen professionals involved. The legislation simply allows Medicare to pay for a conversation between patient and their doctors if patients wish to talk with their doctor about end of life care preferences." The provision has been supported by the AARP, American Academy of Hospice and Palliative Medicine, American Hospice Foundation, Consumers Union, Gundersen Lutheran Health System, Medicare Rights Center, National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization, and Providence Health System.
Compassion and Choices has more here and here, Snopes has more here, and Media Matters has more here.
PART D: WSJ: Comparative effectiveness research...is generally code for limiting care based on the patient’s age. The cost of a treatment is divided by the number of years (called QALYs, or quality-adjusted life years) that the patient is likely to benefit. In Britain, the formula leads to denying treatments for older patients who have fewer years to benefit from care than younger patients. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc), Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla), Rep. Ginny Brown-Waite (R-Fla.), Rep. Paul Broun (R-Ga.) have all made a similar argument, see here.
TRUTH: Comparative effectiveness research in reality is not an attempt to implement QALYs used by countries such as Britain and Canada. Rather, as columnist Paul Krugman stated in his column July 24, "the Obama administration and Congressional Democrats have also been emphasizing the importance of “comparative effectiveness research” — seeing which medical procedures actually work." Even conservative columnist David Brooks commended comparative effectiveness research as one of the ideas that "sounds good" in his column from the same day. Below is an explanation from the legislation's text of what comparative effectiveness research is, and its roll in fixing the nation's health care problems.
SUBTITLE A—COMPARATIVE EFFECTIVENESS RESEARCH
Sec. 1401. Comparative effectiveness research. Establishes a Center for Comparative Effectiveness Research within the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ) to conduct, support and synthesize research relevant to the comparative effectiveness of the full spectrum of health care items, services, and systems. Establishes a public/private stakeholder commission known as the “Comparative Effectiveness Research Commission” to oversee the Center, determine national priorities for research, identify research methods and standards of evidence, support forums to increase stakeholder feedback, appoint advisory panels on specific national priorities to advise the center on research questions and methods, and make recommendations for the dissemination of findings. The 17-member Commission will be appointed by the Secretary with input from the Comptroller General and the Institute of Medicine and will include the Director of AHRQ, the Chief Medical Officer of CMS and stakeholders including clinicians, patients, researchers, third-party payers and consumers. Clinical perspective advisory panels will provide advice on specific research questions, methods and gaps in evidence in terms of clinical outcomes for priorities identified by the Commission in order to ensure that the research is clinically relevant. The Commission and the advisory panels it appoints will be subject to strict conflict of interest requirements. The Center and the Commission are prohibited from mandating coverage, reimbursement or other policies to any public or private payer. The Center and the research it conducts are funded out of the Comparative Effectiveness Research Trust Fund (CERTF) which will receive contributions from Medicare and
private health insurance plans.
PART E: CNS News claims that health reform will place seniors in "medical homes" without doctors.
TRUTH: First of all, CNS News' article on medical homes relies heavily on quotes from the Center for Medicine in the Public Interest, an institution that receives funding from the pharmaceutical industry and has been described as a "nest of ex-moles who served the industry in one capacity or another in the Bush Administration's FDA."
Visions of "FEMA camps" and "government-enforced euthanasia" may dance in rightwingers' heads, but the truth about Section 1722 of HR 3200 is much more mundane. In reality, the concept of a Patient-Centered Medical Home is a mainstream medical practice that has existed since the American Academy of Pediatrics developed the idea in 1967. Forty years later, a joint statement by the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP), the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the American College of Physicians (ACP), and the American Osteopathic Association (AOA) explained the principles behind the Medical Homes concept, emphasizing that quality of care, safety, and coordination are key objectives.
Legislation proposed in America's Affordable Health Choices act merely builds on existing concepts and facilities. According to the bill summary, HR 3200 "establishes a 5-year pilot program to test the medical home concept with high-need Medicaid beneficiaries. Including medically fragile children and high-risk pregnant women. The federal government would match costs of community care workers at 90% for the first two years and 75% for the next 3 years, up to a total of $1.235 billion."

Thank you for your research Campaign for America's Future.

It seems to me, reading this information, most of which came from the House Ways and Means Committee, that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is doing exactly what it says. Protecting Patients and trying to make care more affordable.  It baffles me when I see people rabidly opposing something that actually benefits them because they have no idea what the law entails.

Here are some things I like about the PPACA... I especially like that insurance companies cannot deny coverage to children with pre-existing conditions (as a parent of a child with a pre-existing condition who had been denied insurance in the past, I am ecstatic). I also love that insurance companies can no longer increase costs for pre-existing conditions, or in any other way jerk you around because you have an illness.

I love the fact that my kids can stay on my insurance until they are established and can afford insurance of their own, 3 million young adults have already gained insurance due to this policy. Oh, as a woman, I also like that many preventative procedures are now covered by my insurance 100%. Preventative care saves lives and reduces health care costs.. it should be free.

I like that over the next decade 30 million uninsured people will gain coverage.

I like that medicare beneficiaries now get a 50% discount on name brand drugs, a benefit that saved over 4 million medicare beneficiaries an average of $600 last year. I like that they can receive free annual wellness checkups and cholesterol screenings.

I like that Obamacare requires that insurance companies spend the majority of premium dollars collected (85%) on health care and improvement, and not administrative costs. if overspending on administrative costs does occur, they must pay a rebate.

I like that insurance companies can no longer set a lifetime or yearly maximum, so if something major happens I wont be out of luck.

I like Obamacare, and you should to. If you don't, it's most likely because you are misinformed, so don't take my word for it, or the fact check's word either. There are links up there that go right to the source. If you don't believe that, then I can't help you my friend and all I can say is this... in the words of Jules Winnfield... "BITCH, BE COOL!" cause this is good for the rest of us! It's not enough, not by a long shot...  but it's a start. Its civilized, it's right, let's keep moving forward until we are at the top of the list, and instead of being an example to the rest of the world of how to misuse an assault weapon, we can be the example of how to take care of each other and do what is really and truly right.