Well, that is not necessarily true. I have decided, several times. But things just don't seem to work out the way I initially plan and I keep getting sent on these unexpected detours that take me exactly where I never wanted to be.
I think it might have something to do with always doing what is expected of me instead of what I really would like to do... to the point that I don't even remember what it was that I wanted to do in the first place. What do I want to do? I mean, I better make up my mind soon, I am kinda running out of time here. I am like a kid with a backpack full of stuff. Keep pulling stuff out of the pack, but it's not quite what was wanted... so pull out more stuff... and more... is there anything left in the bag? I didn't find what I wanted. Can I get a do over?
What? There's no do over? Well, that sucks.
Now see, right here is where Sasha would insert some snarky comment, or some sort of searing commentary about Americans being disconnected with reality, or worrying too much about meaningless things, or something else equally cynical and erudite. Or perhaps I am just imagining it, and that is not at all what he would do. He is probably just sitting back thinking "yes, I want a do over too." We most likely will never know, because Sasha is busy doing Sasha things.
Sasha is busy doing Sasha things. And so is everyone else, and I am sitting here on the eve of cancer surgery mulling over my life and wondering, for perhaps the millionth time, what the fuck I am going to do with it. And I still don't have an answer.
I took the Foreign Service Officer Test only to walk out of the testing center wondering if I actually wanted to BE a foreign service officer. I have come to the point where I pretty much hate my current job, and getting back on my original path - getting my PhD- seems pretty much unattainable. Not to mention the fact that due to all the studying I did for the test, I now realize that my punctuation is atrocious. How can you get a good flow in your writing, how can you be 'in the zone' when you can't stop noticing your punctuation??
I entertain the idea of writing, but my inner critic is a bombast who will not be ignored and comes up with ways ever more creative and verbose to ridicule my aspirations.
I am too old to sing in a rock n roll band.
I am so far away from theatre that I am not sure I could get there from here.
I thought about teaching drama to high school students, but that requires another Master's Degree, which requires money, and time, and does not come with the necessary health insurance that I will need once this merry dance with the doctors is done tomorrow.
That is a pretty short list... that's all that is in the pack.
And it is not that I am making excuses or casting off my dreams... it is that I don't have any at the moment. Those WERE my dreams. Now..? I have no idea.
I truly do not know what I want to do.
Maybe I need to be an Urban Homesteader. Maybe I need to go live in an Ashram, or buy a house and turn it into a Mandir. Maybe I need to go to India. Maybe I need to start believing that it isn't selfish to think about these things, and actually take some time to discover what it is that would make me happy.
Nah... That would be too easy.
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