Is there anything left in the bag..?

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Considering I am approximately a little more than half way through my life, you would think I would have made some sort of decision by now... but no.

Well, that is not necessarily true. I have decided, several times. But things just don't seem to work out the way I initially plan and I keep getting sent on these unexpected detours that take me exactly where I never wanted to be.

I think it might have something to do with always doing what is expected of me instead of what I really would like to do... to the point that I don't even remember what it was that I wanted to do in the first place. What do I want to do? I mean, I better make up my mind soon, I am kinda running out of time here. I am like a kid with a backpack full of stuff. Keep pulling stuff out of the pack, but it's not quite what was wanted... so pull out more stuff... and more... is there anything left in the bag? I didn't find what I wanted. Can I get a do over?

What? There's no do over? Well, that sucks.

Now see, right here is where Sasha would insert some snarky comment, or some sort of searing commentary about Americans being disconnected with reality, or worrying too much about meaningless things, or something else equally cynical and erudite. Or perhaps I am just imagining it, and that is not at all what he would do. He is probably just sitting back thinking "yes, I want a do over too." We most likely will never know, because Sasha is busy doing Sasha things.

Sasha is busy doing Sasha things. And so is everyone else, and I am sitting here on the eve of cancer surgery mulling over my life and wondering, for perhaps the millionth time, what the fuck I am going to do with it. And I still don't have an answer.

I took the Foreign Service Officer Test only to walk out of the testing center wondering if I actually wanted to BE a foreign service officer. I have come to the point where I pretty much hate my current job, and getting back on my original path - getting my PhD- seems pretty much unattainable. Not to mention the fact that due to all the studying I did for the test, I now realize that my punctuation is atrocious. How can you get a good flow in your writing, how can you be 'in the zone' when you can't stop noticing your punctuation??

I entertain the idea of writing, but my inner critic is a bombast who will not be ignored and comes up with ways ever more creative and verbose to ridicule my aspirations.

I am too old to sing in a rock n roll band.

I am so far away from theatre that I am not sure I could get there from here.

I thought about teaching drama to high school students, but that requires another Master's Degree, which requires money, and time, and does not come with the necessary health insurance that I will need once this merry dance with the doctors is done tomorrow.

That is a pretty short list... that's all that is in the pack.

And it is not that I am making excuses or casting off my dreams... it is that I don't have any at the moment. Those WERE my dreams. Now..? I have no idea.

I truly do not know what I want to do.

Maybe I need to be an Urban Homesteader. Maybe I need to go live in an Ashram, or buy a house and turn it into a Mandir. Maybe I need to go to India. Maybe I need to start believing that it isn't selfish to think about these things, and actually take some time to discover what it is that would make me happy.

Nah... That would be too easy.

Welcome to the new and improved blog.

When the one you love dies...

I lost my husband two years ago to drug addiction. I was so shocked and full of disbelief that I went into a serious state of denial, and I kept him around because I couldn't stand losing him... until only a few days ago... when I finally came to the realization that the man I loved is dead, there was a stranger living in my house, and he needed to go.

The death was sudden and unexpected. I never suspected it would happen. We were committed and in love. We were happy. I was happy. We were raising a family, we had hopes and plans. He killed himself, though, and the person who took his place was a thief and a liar who was capable of unspeakable, and unfathomable things. My husband was dead. How did this happen!?

Addiction kills, in more ways than one, and even if the addict comes clean and recovers... they are never who they were before they made that first choice to use. They are never the person you loved, ever again.

Right now I am standing on what seems like the precipice of a deep, deep chasm. That chasm is the rest of my life, and I am facing the prospect of negotiating it on my own. Alone. I had dreams. We were going to grow old together. Now I will go there by myself. It's still hard to comprehend. It all seems crushingly unfair, but then... we all know that life is unfair by design. This was supposed to be the part of life that was good after I had worked really hard and come through all the trials. Now I feel like I am back at the beginning. The boulder is rolling back down the hill, and like Sisyphus, all I can do is watch it in weary disbelief.

I am angry. I am angry at the man who made a choice and killed my husband. I am angry beyond words at inhuman slime who sell this life destroying drug. I am filled with murderous rage towards the people who profit from it. The people who bring it into this country and make it available. The people who murder with chemicals and propagate their armies of walking dead on our streets and in our nieghborhoods. I am filled with rage towards politicians who mouth rhetoric, and behind closed doors make the continuation of drug traffiking possible. I am filled with rage.

I wish I had the power to destroy them. To make them suffer like I have. Like I am. I am mourning someone who is still walking around... who I see, but know will never be mine again.

How do you get over that?

On questions of existence

First off, the name change. I was going to change the whole site because Sasha is just too busy in his life (new job, school, family, the beach) to write here. Hell, I am almost too busy to write here. I didn't want to be misleading in making all two of you think that you might get to read a little angsty Israeli commentary from time to time, cause frankly, I just don't think it's going to happen. But I got to looking at the site, and I like it. I couldn't come up with something that I liked more than what we have already going on. So... I changed the name, for reasons known to me, and Sasha can still do a drive by blogging if he ever chooses to do so.

I may blog more politics here and there, but it isn't going to be the focus. I am not really a very political person, and frankly, I find it depressing and frustrating. It wasn't like it was intentional, like I woke up one day and said "hey Corvid, lets make a political blog." I am not politically savvy enough to do something like that, I am just overly opinionated and I write about things that grab my attention. I suppose having to explain myself defeats the whole purpose, or whatnot... or is there even a purpose to begin with? I don't know.

Which brings me to my topic of the day. Lately on Twitter I have been noticing a lot of tweets from atheists... or 'anti-theists' as I like to call them. Now, what is the difference between an atheist and an anti-theist you may ask? Well... an atheist doesn't believe in god. They don't stress about it, they don't have to examine it or analyze it, they just don't believe. Period. They go about their business, it's no big deal. Why argue about something that doesn't exist when you could be.. I don't know... surfing.

An anti-theist on the other hand has to tell everyone they are an atheist. They have to declare war upon religion, they buy advertisment space on billboards so they can declare god doesn't exist and anyone who believes in god is foolish. They tweet constantly about how wrong religion is, at every gathering and party it is the main focus of their conversation, as if they feel the need to prove their nonbelief. They spend tedious hours attempting to debunk the bible, to expose believer's circular reasoning... I am getting tired just typing about it. Anti-theists are the fundamentalists of the Athiest set. They are extremists, they are evangelical nonbelievers who feel the need to proselytize everyone around them. They have declared a Jihad on religion.

On top of it all, they feel the need to invoke the name of Science... because they operate under the false assumption that science supports their arguments, and that scientists are the high priests of their cause. I am forced to vigorously disagree, but we will come to that in a moment.

First an observation: Many of these tweeting anti-theists justify their positions by stating that they at one time used to be evangelical christians or fundamentalist christians of some flavor or another. So basically, they have taken all that fanaticism, close mindedness, and zealotry and simply applied it to their so called non-belief. Now I say this not to hate on these folks, but rather to point out that they are engaging in the same behavior that they claim their religious counterparts do. Let me also say that I too was once a fundamentalist christian. It's true. And I understand the mental anguish and uncertainty that accompanies breaking away from that belief system (not to mention the loss of friends, family, etc. who think you are 'backsliding' and now refuse - in the most extreme cases- to have anything to do with you. I haven't spoken to my birth mother in over 16 years for just this reason). It seems to me that, more than anything, they are proving their nonbelief to themselves. It is hard to undo that kind of religious conditioning. It's scary, especially if you come from a background that has a strong belief in hell and judgement. And there is anger... anger that you are so goddamned afraid. That anger can turn to a lot of vitriol aimed at your former religion. But here's the deal, you ain't gonna change anyone's mind with it.

So, it seems they turn to what they perceive as the opposite of religion, science.

But let's get one thing strait. It is not the pursuit of science to disprove god. No, on the contrary, a lot of early sciences made many of their discoveries in the quest for god. Because someone is not a fundamentalist christian, does not make them a nonbeliever in any type of higher power. Isaac Newton had faith. His faith would seem odd and 'incorrect' to most christians, but it was faith nonetheless. Newton, like many of the men of science of his time, was not an atheist, and yet he set the scientific stage for future discovery. His science was done in the quest for god. Even the Positivists (scientists who tried to be so scientifically hardcore that even their own propositions were ruled out by their principle of verification, but who laid the groundwork for the empirical sciences of today) said that there was no logical grounds for antagonism between religion and natural science. Because science dealt with the physical world, and religion with the metaphysical world (which cannot be observed) questions of faith were irrelevant to science. Questions of gods existence or nonexistence were meaningless and were not the pursuit of science because they were not observable. God could not disprove science any more than science could disprove god*(Ayer, 1936). Besides, discovering atoms and fusion and genes, etc. was much more fun and interesting and actually do-able, so what was the point?

So basically, arguments about the existence of a metaphysical being whose attributes are super-empirical are illogical and fruitless. You cannot conclusively prove or disprove what you can't sense, so stop saying science is on your side, because it isn't.

Now... if someone is saying "well I believe the earth was created 6000 years ago, etc." well, then by all means, whip out the empirical evidence of the fossil record, but stop short of saying it proves there is no god, because it does not. ( and please, make sure you can actually explain natural selection before you play the Darwin card).

Now, why am I taking the time to comment on this?

Well...

I guess I wonder why these anti-theists feel the need to strip others of their belief and faith. I understand that many are offended by the use of religion in politics, but most laws that fundamentalists attempt to pass are usually voted down. But, even so, the way to combat this is not by attacking god, or people's belief system, but rather, by getting involved in the political process and becoming active in your schools, communities, local and state governments, etc.

Believers are going to believe, regardless of what you do to assault that belief. In most cases it will only make them cleave to it more tenaciously. It will make them think you are persecuting them. As far as the whole persecution thing goes, there is a provision written into the bible for just this situation:

Here are just a few scriptures that tell them that what you are saying and doing proves they are right -

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4: 8-11


“If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you…. If they persecuted Me they will persecute you… for they do not know the One who sent Me.” John 15:19-21


"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."—2 Corinthians 12:10


Matthew 5:10-12 “Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11″Blessed are you when men cast insults at you, and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely, on account of Me. 12″Rejoice, and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. - 1 Corinthians, 2:14

So in most cases, antagonism doesn't work, it just reinforces.

I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for myself. I had some awful experiences that broke my faith. Broken faith is a terrible thing, it is a heart breaking thing, and I have a great deal of compassion and empathy for anyone who's faith has been broken. After that I was angry, I was enraged, I was terrified. I was an anti-theist.

What helped me past anti-theism? Education. I learned.
And as I learned, I healed.
And as I healed, I began to open my mind and my heart again.

Do I believe? Yes... I believe in "I don't know, but it's all pretty damn cool." I believe in wonder. I believe in hope. I believe in being the best human being I can. I believe in compassion. I believe in equality. I believe in the social contract. I believe in discovery, no matter what it finds out in the end.  I believe in reaching out with all our intelligence and capacity and technology and yes, all our faith. Faith in what? Well, that part... I don't know.

Am I an agnostic? Probably...

I would just like to think that perhaps, somewhere, there is a little magic in the world. Sometimes magic goes by another name... Science.
(if you don't believe me... ask a physicist ;)


*Ayer, Alfred Jules. 1936. Language, Truth, & Logic. New York. Dover Publications, Inc.

New Year, Same Crap

Hi, Happy New Year. Check this shit out.

Kansas House Speaker Mike O'Neal recently sent an email to his Republican compadres encouraging them to pray Psalm 109:8 for President Obama.

Here is just a bit of the cheery little ditty knows as Psalm 109:
8 Let his days be few; and let another take his office.
9 Let his children be fatherless,and his wife a widow.
10 Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg:
let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places.
11 Let the extortioner catch all that he hath;and let the strangers spoil his labor.
12 Let there be none to extend mercy unto him:neither let there be any to favor his fatherless children.

Great stuff, right? So good that O'Neal wrote an email saying:

"At last -- I can honestly voice a Biblical prayer for our president! Look it up -- it is word for word! Let us all bow our heads and pray. Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN? AMEN!!!!!!"

Very Christian. He's also not a bigot, I'm sure, even though he refers to Mrs. Obama as Mrs. 'YoMama.'

What I want to know is what prompts this kind of foaming at the mouth hatred? Hatred so profound that an elected individual would feel it appropriate to pray for the death of the President. It's ugly, it's childlike, and it shames not only the office held by Mr. O'neal, but our political process and ideals.

I have seen dislike and hate aimed at former presidents, indeed, it happens. But it usually takes a while. Obama was a target of rabid hatred from the moment he won the election. All I can figure is that there are a lot of people out there that are really freaked out that there is a black man in the white house. What else could it be? The hate, the rage, the venom... it was all there waiting for him when he was sworn in.
The GOP have fairly turned themselves inside out to maintain the status quo and protect their interests, even at the expense of their consituency, in a rage to defy Obama at any cost. Why?

Why the ridiculous obsession with birth certificates and religions? (I mean seriously, you can't have it both ways. He can't be a socialist, a communist, AND a Nazi... He can't be a Muslim AND a radical black Christian)

It makes my head hurt, really. It's demoralizing and depressing, and it has convinced me that Republicans don't care at all about me, or any of the people of this country, and all they are concerned with is being rich and staying rich, and keeping anything progressive from happening. Keeping anything good from happening.

I try to see things from both sides, to be reasonable and logical... but I just don't see anything reasonable and logical in the way that war is being waged on the President, or in the minds of the people who are doing it.