What is 'it?'

Should I feel like an internet succubus?


I am Corvid. No really, I am.

I am also Krsna Hare, Krsna Samsara , Zeraphael, and Zera, and there may even be a little Maya in there too. But all these little pieces, these single streams, come together at some point and are part of Corvid, who goes by another name on the other side of the keyboard… but a crow by any other name is just another black, dirty bird, right?

I’ve used a lot of names. We’ve used a lot of names. We have shared some personalities. We are still who we are. Who we were.

I was Krsna, he was Neuro, the playground was Secondlife, or more specifically, a roleplay sim in Secondlife. We liked to talk, we liked to roleplay. There was drama and we got caught up in it, like you do.

Time passed. He came back. It made me glad. And really, after the intitial “hey, glad to see you, sorry about the bullshit,” we fell right back in like we had never stopped talking. He wonders how that could be. I don’t really question it. It doesn’t bother me. I am happy it did.

But what is “it?” What is it that makes us look for the little green online indicator? What makes us spend prodigious amounts of our free time in google docs, or google talk, or InWorldz?

I can’t speak for Sasha. He can speak for himself and contradict me or, most likely, tell me that I am over thinking things. I can only speak for myself.

First off, what “it” is not.

This is not love. It’s not romance. It isn’t lust. It’s not cyberperversion. At least on my end, none of those feelings are in play. I don’t think it is the case on his end either. He loves his wife, I like to listen to him talk about her, she sounds amazing.

So, what is it?

Can it be friendship? Can it be possible? We have never, and most likely will never see each other face to face. We haven’t spoken in any other medium than text. Our interaction is oddly comfortable and well worn. I imagine having dinner together, getting to know his wife. Watching his kids play. These things, I know, will never happen. But those are the things that qualify friendship. Does an online, text based interaction count? Is it destined to implode?

Is there a terrible consequence for friendship? Is there a price? Do we have to pay it? Or can we dine and dash?

Even our roleplay characters have a comfortable, if not conventional mesh. No matter who we come up with, they go well together, even if we are torturing them horribly. We both seem very interested in delving into uncomfortable places that are not easy to go, not easy to explore or commit to words. We have done this in the context of roleplay, and I think we are branching out from there. As Sasha has said to me… roleplay has too many rules. It holds you back. And He’s right.

The question why sits there, but I don’t have anything for it. I don’t know why we clicked so fast. I don’t know why we write about strange things. I don’t know what the future holds. I just hope he is there, in it, in some form.

I am being sentimental again.

One thing I like about Sasha. He isn’t sentimental, he doesn’t bullshit. He’s smart, and funny, and interesting. He makes me laugh and makes me mad and makes me think.

Who wouldn’t want to talk to someone like that? Who wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that?

Corvid does.