Being a Woman...

Okay, the mom is me. And the baby is me. And this is me, by the way, as in... not Sasha.

So today's conversation consisted in large part in talking (or writing, more accurately) about writing. To sum it up in a few words I mentioned something about getting frustrated with writing. And he said "why frustrated?" And I said "ANGST!" (which is short for about 90 paragraphs of blithering comprised mainly of fear and self loathing). And he said -

So, essentially you are being a woman?

Now, I know that my female peeps out there (all two of you) look at that statement with a collective "WTF!?" but wait...

He's right. Yeah, I know, my first impulse was to rise up like a feminist version of Che Guevara amped up on yerba mate and Ani DiFranco. But, Sasha isn't really in the habit of being PC, and he wasn't trying to be insulting. So I put away the big guns and thought about it, and... he's right.

Now, why is that?

Well, lets look at growing up female in United States culture. This is just one account.

It's 1967, Lyster Army Hospital, Ft. Rucker Alabama. The blanket is pink, the teddybear is pink. The mousie is pink. I have been gender codified at birth. I will then be given, over my formative years, a laundry list of female appropriate toys. Babies with bottles, tea sets, play stoves and pots and pans and mops and brooms. All items meant to instill in me my purpose in life. In order for me to understand what is normal, I receive dolls with breasts bigger than their heads and waists smaller than their thighs, dolls which I am meant to dress in a variety of gowns, skirts, aprons, lingerie... all for the pleasure of the one male doll who came with this fashion harem. Oh, there are a few career examples with said dolls... waitress, stewardess, nurse.

I am discouraged by means of corporal punishment from expressing my opinions or displeasure, termed "talking back," by the elder women in my family who give me my gender education. I am discouraged from "unladylike" behavior. At the age of five or six my mother begins to scrutinize my weight. She begins to ration food like armageddon has rained down upon us and we didn't stock up like the Mormons. She measures ice cream to make sure I didn't sneak any. She disparages my failure to be thin. She tries mockery, humiliation, and starvation... all to no avail. I have failed in the first duty of a woman. I am not thin.

I am bullied by boys in school. There is no corrective action. I speak out of turn in class. I have corporal punishment used against me. I am learning the most important lesson for women in our culture. Shut the fuck up.

I fail math. This is not considered a big deal. I drop out of highschool in the tenth grade. This is not considered a big deal. Like 1 out of every 6 American women, my first sexual experience was rape. Like 44% of female victims in the US, I was under the age of 18. Like 93% of juvenile sexual assault victims, I knew my attacker. Like 60% of sexual assault cases, it went unreported. It wasn't a big deal.

My grandmother, however, went ballistic when I told her neighbor that I did not go to my highschool prom. "We don't tell people things like that. It's embarrassing." This was a big fucking deal. I have failed in the second duty of a woman. Boys do not find me attractive.

I am 15. My grandmother asks me if I am planning on being a nun for the rest of my life.

I am 16. My best friend is male. I stay at his house on a regular basis. My mother thinks we are having sex, but this is no big deal, because that's normal. What she doesn't know is that he is gay. It's the '80's. He has things a hell of a lot worse than I do.

I could go on.

What is the point of this?

The point is, we learn how to be women from our culture. Women my age were too young to actually participate in the women's movement, and still suffered the influence of our mothers and grandmothers who were taught that a woman's place... is a woman's place.

We look around ourselves and say... "Hey, this is America. We are free! We have it best!" but fail to realize that women have only had the right to vote in this country for the past 91 years. That women still do not get equal pay for equal work. That murder is still the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US. That there is still a glass ceiling. That in classrooms, boys are still called upon for answers more than girls. Stereotypes like "girls are bad at math" are still propagated.

Now, this does not mean that no progress is being made. There are positive statistics too... among my favorite are that American women are now earning more graduate degrees than men.

But what does this have to do with what Sasha and I were discussing? Because, this, I think, is what he meant by being a woman. Maybe not exactly, but to some degree.

 Men are taught to be decisive and not question their own actions or ideas. Men are encouraged to be aggressive, to take what they want, and to speak their mind freely. Not the case with women. We are taught to speak in the passive voice. To be ladylike. To not be argumentative. To not cause distress. We are taught to question our motives and decisions... our value. (and perhaps I should say "were taught," because I know many empowered and amazing young women. My generation of women has its struggles, but I think we can be credited for saying "fuck that!" and refusing to continue in the same vein.)

And so, when I try to write something serious, there are always questions. There is always struggle because I have a hard time believing my voice has a right to be heard. And maybe Sasha is right...

"Just write. And when you start "asking yourself" tell yourself to "shut up and write."