You Mom'd it all up!

A'rriiight!

So I was thinking today, and one thing led to another, as it usually does. I started out thinking about a personal experience. Then I asked a few other people if they had the same experience, and they said yes they did. This made me think about said experience more and begin to wonder why it happens.

The experience is as follows. Grow up all your life listening to your grandparents and parents go on about fidelity and sticking with your partner. Working through the hard times, sticking by someone even if they have difficulties or make a bad decision. That grit and stick-to-it-ness we discussed a few entries back. Until death do you part. So here they are after 20-40-50 years of being together and going through some serious shit and coming out the other side intact... and then when YOU have an issue their advice is "dump him. Move on. Get out of there." When you say "but I love this person, I don't want to dump them, I want to work it out," then you are foolish and making a bad decision. I don't get it. Why? And several friends I have asked all agree, yes, that was the advice. I stuck with my partner and we have been together forever, but you should bail. If you don't, you are a sucker, and no matter what your spouse does to get it right, or no matter how great they were before they made their mistake, they suck for the rest of all time, and are never forgiven.

At first I asked questions like "why isn't my relationship as important or valid as yours?" or "Why don't you think I deserve love or something that lasts forever?"

But then I received enlightenment in the form of a television show called Bob's Burgers.  The mom comes in and tries to join in with the kids while they are doing their thing. One of the kids yells "YOU MOM'D IT ALL UP!" This made me start thinking about things from a different perspective.

Maybe that is what they are doing, parents. Momming it all up. It's not that they don't see your emotions and your love and commitment to that other person as less important or invalid. It's that they can't see past you. They are physically and emotional incapable of seeing the bigger picture, and like all parents, have great difficulty letting their kids figure out the really hard stuff on their own and make their own decisions. To them, you are still the little kid struggling to get up the ladder for the slide on the playground. Instead of letting you do it yourself, figure it out for yourself, maybe fail or fall... they pick you up and set you on top. It's not because they don't think you are capable or that you can't do it, no, it's that it is so hard to watch someone they love that much struggle, so they just run in and save the day. They want to fix it and end the struggle fast. They say "cut your losses and get out." They say "you are more important than this other person I am less emotionally invested in and who has hurt you or made life difficult for you. Lets just go to the top of the slide and leave this jerk at the bottom." They mom it all up.

A friend posted an article on facebook the other day where the author requested that strangers not help her daughter on the playground because her daughter needed to learn to do things on her own. She needed to fail in order to learn how to succeed. She needed the self confidence that comes from figuring things out. There is wisdom here, whether your kid is 4 or 40. The best thing parents can do is give their kids the strength to make their own decisions, and then love them and support them once those decisions are made.

Now granted, we are not talking about abuse here, that is something different.

But sometimes things can get really hard in a relationship. Unimaginably hard, and there is nothing wrong with two people fighting to keep their family together, fighting to keep their relationship intact... until they are completely satisfied that there is no hope, until they know for sure they have struck the last blow in vain. For parents, this can be torturous. But just like at the playground. You just need to sit on the bench and let them figure it out, and when they do, respect that... because they are trying to be like you. They want to be the ones 20-40-50 years from now proud of how they worked it out, and came through the really serious shit... together. They learned it from you, or maybe they didn't, maybe they want a different life... so don't mom it all up.

Remember, you are going to be gone one day, and your kid is going to have to live the rest of their lives without you... it's that life partner that is going to be there with them until the end, so let them work out the hard stuff and grow stronger. Don't mom it all up.

Hopefully I can follow my own advice one day, and I won't mom it all up either.



EDIT:
Okay, so a friend of mine posted her feelings on this topic on her blog HERE, check it out. And here is my response by way of a little more clarification -

Corvid here.
yes, I can definitely see where you are coming from in this post, and I think that this is the point where “letting them make their own decision” comes into the mix. I am divorced, my first marriage didn’t work out, and it was good that we both went our separate ways (edit: With lots of advice to do so from my parents! Good advice!). The difference between my first and second marriage is that I want to make this one work, I choose to… and so does my partner. He just happened to have made a poor choice and had a really difficult time. I decided to stick by him. My parents didn’t think it was such a good idea, but so far it is turning out well. I think in your case, if you are in a relationship you don’t want, then other actions should be taken, and I hope you find a way to get the outcome you would like to have. Thanks for reading my post and taking the time to link to it and comment on it. I will do the same

One of the things that puzzles me is this - the person I am with now is a far better person than the one I was with before. The person I am with now is trying hard to overcome his difficulties. The person I was with before gets less vitriol than the one I am currently with. Maybe I just wont understand until I am in that position myself, and hopefully I wont have to be, cause I bet I will mom it all up ;)