Friday, February 1, 2013

Against the Wind...

Today's post is dedicated to two friends... one new, and one dear. It is my wish for their success, despite the heavy layer of expectation laid upon them by family, friends, and society in general.

We are social creatures, (I will be discussing this in detail in my next post), and love to set norms, expectations, and dictates regarding what is "normal," "healthy," "sane," "acceptable," "right," "the way things should happen," etc. As a result we cause each other a tremendous amount of stress, pain, heartache, anxiety, and uncertainty. This can make embarking into an unconventional relationship frought with obstacles, most of which are the opinions of others.

Why do we care so much about what other people think? It's easy to say "the hell with what you think, I am doing my own thing!" Actually undertaking your own thing in the face of social/familial/peer disapproval can be quite another matter, however. And if we DO step out, it is usually with a great deal of cognitive dissonnance... "Are they right? Am I being foolish? What if I fail? What if this person is terrible? What if everything goes wrong? What if...?"

And from the perspective of the peer, the urge to bring the individual who is deviating from the norm back into compliance is nearly irresistable. What drives this in us? Again, a discussion for the next post.

 It is debatable why we do this to each other, there are many theories (and by theory I mean scientific explanation, not guess or conjecture). I have respect for people who are strong enough to still pursue their own mind, despite what others may say or do in order to keep them following the norm.

If we could overcome some of this, we might open ourselves up to the possibility of more happiness. It's deeply ingrained, however.

One wonders.

At any rate, I wish my friends all the best. I wish them happiness and success. I wish them longevity and trust and wonder. I wish this to work out.

And if it doesn't.. well... I told ya so.







Wednesday, January 30, 2013

You Mom'd it all up!

A'rriiight!
So I was thinking today, and one thing led to another, as it usually does. I started out thinking about a personal experience. Then I asked a few other people if they had the same experience, and they said yes they did. This made me think about said experience more and begin to wonder why it happens.

The experience is as follows. Grow up all your life listening to your grandparents and parents go on about fidelity and sticking with your partner. Working through the hard times, sticking by someone even if they have difficulties or make a bad decision. That grit and stick-to-it-ness we discussed a few entries back. Until death do you part. So here they are after 20-40-50 years of being together and going through some serious shit and coming out the other side intact... and then when YOU have an issue their advice is "dump him. Move on. Get out of there." When you say "but I love this person, I don't want to dump them, I want to work it out," then you are foolish and making a bad decision. I don't get it. Why? And several friends I have asked all agree, yes, that was the advice. I stuck with my partner and we have been together forever, but you should bail. If you don't, you are a sucker, and no matter what your spouse does to get it right, or no matter how great they were before they made their mistake, they suck for the rest of all time, and are never forgiven.

At first I asked questions like "why isn't my relationship as important or valid as yours?" or "Why don't you think I deserve love or something that lasts forever?"

But then I received enlightenment in the form of a television show called Bob's Burgers.  The mom comes in and tries to join in with the kids while they are doing their thing. One of the kids yells "YOU MOM'D IT ALL UP!" This made me start thinking about things from a different perspective.

Maybe that is what they are doing, parents. Momming it all up. It's not that they don't see your emotions and your love and commitment to that other person as less important or invalid. It's that they can't see past you. They are physically and emotional incapable of seeing the bigger picture, and like all parents, have great difficulty letting their kids figure out the really hard stuff on their own and make their own decisions. To them, you are still the little kid struggling to get up the ladder for the slide on the playground. Instead of letting you do it yourself, figure it out for yourself, maybe fail or fall... they pick you up and set you on top. It's not because they don't think you are capable or that you can't do it, no, it's that it is so hard to watch someone they love that much struggle, so they just run in and save the day. They want to fix it and end the struggle fast. They say "cut your losses and get out." They say "you are more important than this other person I am less emotionally invested in and who has hurt you or made life difficult for you. Lets just go to the top of the slide and leave this jerk at the bottom." They mom it all up.

A friend posted an article on facebook the other day where the author requested that strangers not help her daughter on the playground because her daughter needed to learn to do things on her own. She needed to fail in order to learn how to succeed. She needed the self confidence that comes from figuring things out. There is wisdom here, whether your kid is 4 or 40. The best thing parents can do is give their kids the strength to make their own decisions, and then love them and support them once those decisions are made.

Now granted, we are not talking about abuse here, that is something different.

But sometimes things can get really hard in a relationship. Unimaginably hard, and there is nothing wrong with two people fighting to keep their family together, fighting to keep their relationship intact... until they are completely satisfied that there is no hope, until they know for sure they have struck the last blow in vain. For parents, this can be torturous. But just like at the playground. You just need to sit on the bench and let them figure it out, and when they do, respect that... because they are trying to be like you. They want to be the ones 20-40-50 years from now proud of how they worked it out, and came through the really serious shit... together. They learned it from you, or maybe they didn't, maybe they want a different life... so don't mom it all up.

Remember, you are going to be gone one day, and your kid is going to have to live the rest of their lives without you... it's that life partner that is going to be there with them until the end, so let them work out the hard stuff and grow stronger. Don't mom it all up.

Hopefully I can follow my own advice one day, and I won't mom it all up either.



EDIT:
Okay, so a friend of mine posted her feelings on this topic on her blog HERE, check it out. And here is my response by way of a little more clarification -

Corvid here.
yes, I can definitely see where you are coming from in this post, and I think that this is the point where “letting them make their own decision” comes into the mix. I am divorced, my first marriage didn’t work out, and it was good that we both went our separate ways (edit: With lots of advice to do so from my parents! Good advice!). The difference between my first and second marriage is that I want to make this one work, I choose to… and so does my partner. He just happened to have made a poor choice and had a really difficult time. I decided to stick by him. My parents didn’t think it was such a good idea, but so far it is turning out well. I think in your case, if you are in a relationship you don’t want, then other actions should be taken, and I hope you find a way to get the outcome you would like to have. Thanks for reading my post and taking the time to link to it and comment on it. I will do the same

One of the things that puzzles me is this - the person I am with now is a far better person than the one I was with before. The person I am with now is trying hard to overcome his difficulties. The person I was with before gets less vitriol than the one I am currently with. Maybe I just wont understand until I am in that position myself, and hopefully I wont have to be, cause I bet I will mom it all up ;)


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Facts are real.

Say fascism one more time, motherfucker!
Say it again! I DARE YOU!
Okay, so, this is gonna be a long one, and I know it's dangerous ground, but I have girded up my loins, loaded my assault weapon, and fortified myself with a picture of Jules Winnfield because the shit is about to get real.

Health care Reform. There. I said it.

We need it, we have received pieces of it. It's a fair start, but it is not enough, and people need to stop crying about it. First, lets just get some things out on the table and out of the way.


1. Yes, there is a black man in the white house. Get over it.
2. Yes he won the election again. You were out-voted. We lived with your guy in charge for 8 years, now it's our turn. Suck it up and get over it.
3. No, the black man does not hate America. He is not a Nazi, a Fascist, a Communist, a terrorist, a black Muslim, or a radical Christian. He was born in the United States. He is not going to come take your guns, force you to gay marry, stop you from practicing your religion, nor would he stage the mass murder of 26 children and teachers so that the great gun ban could be set in motion, or any of the other wacko bullcrap that seems to spring up every other day, so can we stop with the conspiracy theories and stick to the facts please?

So where was I? Oh yeah... Health care reform.

Here is a little background:

United States citizens spend more per capita than any other developed nation on health care. We have less available hospital beds than every developed nation besides China, less doctors and nurses per capita, one of the highest rates of death by preventable diseases in the developed world, 48 million people without health insurance, with as many as 26,000 to 44,000 dying from illness due to lack of health coverage annually. As many as 1 in 3 children are uninsured for substantial periods of time, more than half of which are from families of moderate income. Basically, these families make too much to have their children covered under medicaid, and can't afford regular insurance. Now, granted, these numbers are reported in various sources and taken from census information from 2009-2010, however, experts agree that the numbers haven't budged much since these reports were written. Regardless of a difference in numbers, studies have shown that uninsured people are 40 percent more likely to suffer death from illness than those with coverage (Journal of National Public Health), that statistic alone should be enough to make us say "hey, this is serious!"

Then there is the myth that anyone can receive health care by going to an emergency room. Emergency rooms can address your acute symptoms, but their next step is to refer you to a physician to determine what is actually wrong with you. If you do not have insurance, that can be tough. Either you won't be seen, or you have to pay up front at the time of service. If you can't afford that, you remain sick.  Up until last year insurance companies could deny coverage for children who had preexisting conditions. Even if you do have insurance you are at the mercy of your insurance company for which procedures they deem necessary and that they chose to cover.

How is it that this could be the state of affairs in the richest, most powerful, and by our own definition, most egalitarian country in the world?

According to Business Insider (among others) the countries that rate highest in citizen satisfaction and happiness are Denmark, Canada, Norway, Netherlands, and Switzerland, in that order. All have universal health care. Of the top 36 health care systems in the world, the US isn't even on the list.

I have heard the argument that letting health care be a part of the free market will increase creativity and innovation. Well, it has been part of the free market, and this has not proven to be the case.

Commodities should be a part of the free market. Human health and well being is not a commodity. It is something that a society should protect and nurture in order for that society to thrive. By allowing our health to become a commodity, to have a certain monetary value placed upon it, we have not created a health care system, we have created a disease and death management system.

Anecdotally, I have many friends in other countries and they are always astonished when I say that I can't afford to go to the doctor, or mention what medical care costs in this country.

I have heard the argument that President Obama is a socialist and he is trying to destroy America through health care reform. Well, if that is the case, then President Roosevelt, President Truman, President Nixon, President Johnson, and President Clinton all did the same thing. How have we as a nation survived such despots!?

Every president is a bad guy to the opposition.

So, back to conspiracy theories.

I could write pages and pages about each misconception surrounding the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, or, Obamacare. I only have the time and finger dexterity to address a few.
But don't take my word for it, read it for yourself-
Bill text: http://docs.house.gov/edlabor/AAHCA-BillText-071409.pdf
Section-by-Section Analysis: http://waysandmeans.house.gov/media/pdf/111/sbys3200.pdf

What? Still here? Okay, fine. Here goes...

SO the misconception I want to address today is the one I hear about the most -
Obamacare is an all out assault on the seniors in our country.

This conspiracy was obviously developed by someone who has never read the PPACA, and has no idea what they are talking about.

Since the Health Reform Fact Check page has done all the research footwork I am going to put their info here, this page was put together by Campaign for America's Future, a progressive interest group. They do, however, site all their sources and keep to the facts, so here it is:


THE LIE- PART A: The cuts in care to pay for this bill come directly from seniors, about 500 billion dollars.
See also here .

TRUTH: As a factsheet from the Ways and Means Committee explains, "By eliminating wasteful overpayments to private plans under Medicare, reforming how doctors are reimbursed, and creating new incentives for coordinated, high quality care we will extend Trust Fund solvency and improve Medicare for generations to come." The figure of $500 billion represents savings - not cuts - that will result from specific reforms designed to increase efficiency for Medicare and Medicaid.
PART B: The bill is effectively a repeal of Medicare.
TRUTH: The House bill strengthens Medicare and Medicaid by “reallocating U.S. taxpayer dollars already being spent on health care to achieving more efficiency, higher quality, and broader coverage.”
• $156 billion in savings by eliminating overpayments to private Medicare Advantage plans over 10 years. According to the Medicare Payment Advisory Commission, private Medicare Advantage plans are currently paid, on average, 14 percent more than traditional Medicare providers – and overpayments to certain plans exceed 50 percent.
• $102 billion in savings over 10 years by incorporating productivity adjustments into Medicare payment updates for hospitals. This adjustment will encourage greater efficiency in health care provision, while more accurately aligning Medicare payments with hospital costs.
• $110 billion in savings over 10 years by: 1) codifying the recent PhRMA- White House agreement, which provides that Medicare Part D beneficiaries will get a 50 percent reduction in price on any brand-name drugs they need while in the so-called “donut hole” where drug costs are not reimbursed at certain levels; and 2) requiring that drug companies provide rebates for individuals enrolled in both Medicare and Medicaid that are at least as large as the Medicaid rebates that were provided prior to the enactment of Medicare Part D.
• $100 billion in additional savings over 10 years through numerous other provisions, including incorporating productivity adjustments into Medicare payment updates for home health agencies; and key delivery system reforms such as incentives to reduce readmissions to hospitals and promoting accountable care organizations.
Source: http://waysandmeans.house.gov/MoreInfo.asp?section=52
The bill requires hospitals, doctors, and pharmaceutical companies to achieve key efficiencies and eliminate waste in Medicare (including eliminating overpayments that are driving up profits for Medicare Advantage plans) and toughens our ability to root out fraud and abuse – but does not make cuts that hurt seniors. It also does nothing to take away choices for seniors.
On the contrary, the bill includes several key provisions that improve Medicare benefits for seniors, including the following:
Phases in completely filling in the “donut hole” in the Medicare prescription drug benefit (where drug costs are not reimbursed at certain levels), potentially savings seniors thousands of dollars a year.
Eliminates co-payments and deductibles for preventive services under Medicare.
Limits cost-sharing requirements in Medicare Advantage plans to the amount charged for the same services in traditional Medicare coverage.
Improves the low-income subsidy programs in Medicare, such as by increasing asset limits for programs that help Medicare beneficiaries pay premiums and cost-sharing.
Source: http://waysandmeans.house.gov/MoreInfo.asp?section=52
PART C: WSJ: The House bill being pushed by the president...ensures that seniors are counseled on end-of-life options, including refusing nutrition where state law allows it (pp. 425-446). In Oregon, some cancer patients are being denied care by the state that could extend their lives and instead are afforded the benefit of physician-assisted suicide instead.
TRUTH: According to a Section-by-Section Analysis of the bill (p. 18), Section 1233, on "Advance care planning consultation," "provides coverage for consultation between enrollees and practitioners to discuss orders for life-sustaining treatment" and "instructs CMS to modify "Medicare & You" handbook to incorporate measures on advance care planning into the physician's quality reporting initiative."
The legislation seeks to provide seniors with counseling that will educate them about all of their options. This provision does not mean that seniors will be denied otherwise available end-of-life care, nor does it mean they will be forced into "physician-assisted suicide."
As Rep. Blumenauer's office explains, "Advance planning consultations are not mandatory; this benefit is completely voluntary. The provision merely provides coverage under Medicare to have a conversation once every five years if – and only if – a patient wants to make his or her wishes known to a doctor. If desired, patients may have consultations more frequently if they are chronically ill or if their health status changes." Additionally, "There is no mandate in the bill to complete an advance care directive or living will. If a patient chooses to complete an advance directive or order for life sustaining treatment, these documents will help articulate a full range of treatment preferences, from full and aggressive treatment to limited, comfort care only. Patients that choose to have these documents and can customize them so that their wishes are appropriately reflected." And finally, "There are no government-chosen professionals involved. The legislation simply allows Medicare to pay for a conversation between patient and their doctors if patients wish to talk with their doctor about end of life care preferences." The provision has been supported by the AARP, American Academy of Hospice and Palliative Medicine, American Hospice Foundation, Consumers Union, Gundersen Lutheran Health System, Medicare Rights Center, National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization, and Providence Health System.
Compassion and Choices has more here and here, Snopes has more here, and Media Matters has more here.
PART D: WSJ: Comparative effectiveness research...is generally code for limiting care based on the patient’s age. The cost of a treatment is divided by the number of years (called QALYs, or quality-adjusted life years) that the patient is likely to benefit. In Britain, the formula leads to denying treatments for older patients who have fewer years to benefit from care than younger patients. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc), Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla), Rep. Ginny Brown-Waite (R-Fla.), Rep. Paul Broun (R-Ga.) have all made a similar argument, see here.
TRUTH: Comparative effectiveness research in reality is not an attempt to implement QALYs used by countries such as Britain and Canada. Rather, as columnist Paul Krugman stated in his column July 24, "the Obama administration and Congressional Democrats have also been emphasizing the importance of “comparative effectiveness research” — seeing which medical procedures actually work." Even conservative columnist David Brooks commended comparative effectiveness research as one of the ideas that "sounds good" in his column from the same day. Below is an explanation from the legislation's text of what comparative effectiveness research is, and its roll in fixing the nation's health care problems.
SUBTITLE A—COMPARATIVE EFFECTIVENESS RESEARCH
Sec. 1401. Comparative effectiveness research. Establishes a Center for Comparative Effectiveness Research within the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ) to conduct, support and synthesize research relevant to the comparative effectiveness of the full spectrum of health care items, services, and systems. Establishes a public/private stakeholder commission known as the “Comparative Effectiveness Research Commission” to oversee the Center, determine national priorities for research, identify research methods and standards of evidence, support forums to increase stakeholder feedback, appoint advisory panels on specific national priorities to advise the center on research questions and methods, and make recommendations for the dissemination of findings. The 17-member Commission will be appointed by the Secretary with input from the Comptroller General and the Institute of Medicine and will include the Director of AHRQ, the Chief Medical Officer of CMS and stakeholders including clinicians, patients, researchers, third-party payers and consumers. Clinical perspective advisory panels will provide advice on specific research questions, methods and gaps in evidence in terms of clinical outcomes for priorities identified by the Commission in order to ensure that the research is clinically relevant. The Commission and the advisory panels it appoints will be subject to strict conflict of interest requirements. The Center and the Commission are prohibited from mandating coverage, reimbursement or other policies to any public or private payer. The Center and the research it conducts are funded out of the Comparative Effectiveness Research Trust Fund (CERTF) which will receive contributions from Medicare and
private health insurance plans.
PART E: CNS News claims that health reform will place seniors in "medical homes" without doctors.
TRUTH: First of all, CNS News' article on medical homes relies heavily on quotes from the Center for Medicine in the Public Interest, an institution that receives funding from the pharmaceutical industry and has been described as a "nest of ex-moles who served the industry in one capacity or another in the Bush Administration's FDA."
Visions of "FEMA camps" and "government-enforced euthanasia" may dance in rightwingers' heads, but the truth about Section 1722 of HR 3200 is much more mundane. In reality, the concept of a Patient-Centered Medical Home is a mainstream medical practice that has existed since the American Academy of Pediatrics developed the idea in 1967. Forty years later, a joint statement by the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP), the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the American College of Physicians (ACP), and the American Osteopathic Association (AOA) explained the principles behind the Medical Homes concept, emphasizing that quality of care, safety, and coordination are key objectives.
Legislation proposed in America's Affordable Health Choices act merely builds on existing concepts and facilities. According to the bill summary, HR 3200 "establishes a 5-year pilot program to test the medical home concept with high-need Medicaid beneficiaries. Including medically fragile children and high-risk pregnant women. The federal government would match costs of community care workers at 90% for the first two years and 75% for the next 3 years, up to a total of $1.235 billion."

Thank you for your research Campaign for America's Future.

It seems to me, reading this information, most of which came from the House Ways and Means Committee, that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is doing exactly what it says. Protecting Patients and trying to make care more affordable.  It baffles me when I see people rabidly opposing something that actually benefits them because they have no idea what the law entails.

Here are some things I like about the PPACA... I especially like that insurance companies cannot deny coverage to children with pre-existing conditions (as a parent of a child with a pre-existing condition who had been denied insurance in the past, I am ecstatic). I also love that insurance companies can no longer increase costs for pre-existing conditions, or in any other way jerk you around because you have an illness.

I love the fact that my kids can stay on my insurance until they are established and can afford insurance of their own, 3 million young adults have already gained insurance due to this policy. Oh, as a woman, I also like that many preventative procedures are now covered by my insurance 100%. Preventative care saves lives and reduces health care costs.. it should be free.

I like that over the next decade 30 million uninsured people will gain coverage.

I like that medicare beneficiaries now get a 50% discount on name brand drugs, a benefit that saved over 4 million medicare beneficiaries an average of $600 last year. I like that they can receive free annual wellness checkups and cholesterol screenings.

I like that Obamacare requires that insurance companies spend the majority of premium dollars collected (85%) on health care and improvement, and not administrative costs. if overspending on administrative costs does occur, they must pay a rebate.

I like that insurance companies can no longer set a lifetime or yearly maximum, so if something major happens I wont be out of luck.

I like Obamacare, and you should to. If you don't, it's most likely because you are misinformed, so don't take my word for it, or the fact check's word either. There are links up there that go right to the source. If you don't believe that, then I can't help you my friend and all I can say is this... in the words of Jules Winnfield... "BITCH, BE COOL!" cause this is good for the rest of us! It's not enough, not by a long shot...  but it's a start. Its civilized, it's right, let's keep moving forward until we are at the top of the list, and instead of being an example to the rest of the world of how to misuse an assault weapon, we can be the example of how to take care of each other and do what is really and truly right.


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

True Grit


Photo Credit: Rachel Mayo see her
other cool movie posters here
Things don't get done unless you do them. Magic does not happen, and by this knowledge we can thereby deduce that things will not magically generate themselves into being. Events will not magically occur. Change will not magically be made. It, whatever "it" is, takes work. Effort. Exertion. Sweat. Muscle. Grit.

Grit.


I listened to a report on NPR the other day discussing a book by Paul Tough called How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character. In the report the author relates that children's success cannot be measured by the standard means we currently use (IQ scores, standardized testing, etc.) but rather, success is measured, and achieved, through determination and character.

This is the second report of this type that NPR has done in a month. NPR are you trying to tell us something?

The crazy thing is, grit - character (whatever you want to call it), seems to be a direct result of adversity. We shield our children from adversity at all costs... is this wise? As a parent I can't help but constantly obsess about what I could have done, or should not have done, to help my children be more prepared to cope in the world. As my wise uncle once told me, "it doesn't matter what you do, you will fuck it up. You will fuck it all up, and they will be okay." I hope he is right. My cousins seem relatively alright, so maybe he knows what he is talking about.

But that still doesn't answer the question of how you build character in your children. Which then begs the question "am I, myself, a person with character....? Do I have grit?"

I would like to think so. I have people tell me all the time that I have overcome adversity and achieved things. But... shouldn't you FEEL as if you have overcome adversity and achieved things?

Personally, I don't feel that way.

I seem to move through life  more with a constant feeling of WTF!? How did I get here? What just happened? Wait, Where am I?

Is my grit confused? Am I lacking in character, and I just managed to get here from there by accident, or some strange universal coincidence?

Or is it that I labored under expectations for so long that now that nothing is expected of me I feel a general sense of disorientation. Is THAT what the whole midlife crisis thing is all about? Less a sense of growing older, and more a lack of those heavy expectations from parents, teachers, and other 'adults?' Now WE are the adults and all there is left for us to do is to aim the laser of expectation on the younger generation and drive them down the road until we die and are no longer here to expect any more from them? And the cycle goes on and on and on...

Is this the secret of success in raising children, high and inescapable expectations placed upon them, forcing them to climb higher and higher... until there is nothing left but to grasp the branch and dangle there. Driving others on higher than yourself? Is this how we measure "success?"

Is the secret of overcoming midlife crisis finding that drive of expectation again in yourself? Self expectation is so difficult, it is the easiest to hide from, the least driving. It's not as big a deal to dissapoint yourself.

Is the actual source of grit, TRUE grit if you will, internally or externally generated? That "stick-to-it-ness" so necessary to achieve anything, and critical to self actualization. Is the crisis of midlife that we were on the verge of that actualization, and the expectations dropped off, and now we do not feel anything driving us forward. Thus, instead of continuing, we flounder in a sense of loss, confusion, and uncertainty.

I haven't made a million dollars. I don't own a house. I do have an education, but I am not using it in the way I had initially planned. I have had cancer, and my luck held and it wasn't too serious. My family has survived. My kids are almost grown and ready to go out on their own. I hope I have equipped them well, better than I was equipped myself. I don't know what I want to do, but I do know I am not doing it.

Now what?

Now I am hoping that my character will win out. That I will discover that I do have grit. That I will be able to finally, after all this time, actualize myself.

Here's to True Grit, whatever that maybe be.


Thursday, October 4, 2012

Is there anything left in the bag..?

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Considering I am approximately a little more than half way through my life, you would think I would have made some sort of decision by now... but no.

Well, that is not necessarily true. I have decided, several times. But things just don't seem to work out the way I initially plan and I keep getting sent on these unexpected detours that take me exactly where I never wanted to be.

I think it might have something to do with always doing what is expected of me instead of what I really would like to do... to the point that I don't even remember what it was that I wanted to do in the first place. What do I want to do? I mean, I better make up my mind soon, I am kinda running out of time here. I am like a kid with a backpack full of stuff. Keep pulling stuff out of the pack, but it's not quite what was wanted... so pull out more stuff... and more... is there anything left in the bag? I didn't find what I wanted. Can I get a do over?

What? There's no do over? Well, that sucks.

Now see, right here is where Sasha would insert some snarky comment, or some sort of searing commentary about Americans being disconnected with reality, or worrying too much about meaningless things, or something else equally cynical and erudite. Or perhaps I am just imagining it, and that is not at all what he would do. He is probably just sitting back thinking "yes, I want a do over too." We most likely will never know, because Sasha is busy doing Sasha things.

Sasha is busy doing Sasha things. And so is everyone else, and I am sitting here on the eve of cancer surgery mulling over my life and wondering, for perhaps the millionth time, what the fuck I am going to do with it. And I still don't have an answer.

I took the Foreign Service Officer Test only to walk out of the testing center wondering if I actually wanted to BE a foreign service officer. I have come to the point where I pretty much hate my current job, and getting back on my original path - getting my PhD- seems pretty much unattainable. Not to mention the fact that due to all the studying I did for the test, I now realize that my punctuation is atrocious. How can you get a good flow in your writing, how can you be 'in the zone' when you can't stop noticing your punctuation??

I entertain the idea of writing, but my inner critic is a bombast who will not be ignored and comes up with ways ever more creative and verbose to ridicule my aspirations.

I am too old to sing in a rock n roll band.

I am so far away from theatre that I am not sure I could get there from here.

I thought about teaching drama to high school students, but that requires another Master's Degree, which requires money, and time, and does not come with the necessary health insurance that I will need once this merry dance with the doctors is done tomorrow.

That is a pretty short list... that's all that is in the pack.

And it is not that I am making excuses or casting off my dreams... it is that I don't have any at the moment. Those WERE my dreams. Now..? I have no idea.

I truly do not know what I want to do.

Maybe I need to be an Urban Homesteader. Maybe I need to go live in an Ashram, or buy a house and turn it into a Mandir. Maybe I need to go to India. Maybe I need to start believing that it isn't selfish to think about these things, and actually take some time to discover what it is that would make me happy.

Nah... That would be too easy.

Welcome to the new and improved blog.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

When the one you love dies...

I lost my husband two years ago to drug addiction. I was so shocked and full of disbelief that I went into a serious state of denial, and I kept him around because I couldn't stand losing him... until only a few days ago... when I finally came to the realization that the man I loved is dead, there was a stranger living in my house, and he needed to go.

The death was sudden and unexpected. I never suspected it would happen. We were committed and in love. We were happy. I was happy. We were raising a family, we had hopes and plans. He killed himself, though, and the person who took his place was a thief and a liar who was capable of unspeakable, and unfathomable things. My husband was dead. How did this happen!?

Addiction kills, in more ways than one, and even if the addict comes clean and recovers... they are never who they were before they made that first choice to use. They are never the person you loved, ever again.

Right now I am standing on what seems like the precipice of a deep, deep chasm. That chasm is the rest of my life, and I am facing the prospect of negotiating it on my own. Alone. I had dreams. We were going to grow old together. Now I will go there by myself. It's still hard to comprehend. It all seems crushingly unfair, but then... we all know that life is unfair by design. This was supposed to be the part of life that was good after I had worked really hard and come through all the trials. Now I feel like I am back at the beginning. The boulder is rolling back down the hill, and like Sisyphus, all I can do is watch it in weary disbelief.

I am angry. I am angry at the man who made a choice and killed my husband. I am angry beyond words at inhuman slime who sell this life destroying drug. I am filled with murderous rage towards the people who profit from it. The people who bring it into this country and make it available. The people who murder with chemicals and propagate their armies of walking dead on our streets and in our nieghborhoods. I am filled with rage towards politicians who mouth rhetoric, and behind closed doors make the continuation of drug traffiking possible. I am filled with rage.

I wish I had the power to destroy them. To make them suffer like I have. Like I am. I am mourning someone who is still walking around... who I see, but know will never be mine again.

How do you get over that?

Saturday, March 31, 2012

On questions of existence

First off, the name change. I was going to change the whole site because Sasha is just too busy in his life (new job, school, family, the beach) to write here. Hell, I am almost too busy to write here. I didn't want to be misleading in making all two of you think that you might get to read a little angsty Israeli commentary from time to time, cause frankly, I just don't think it's going to happen. But I got to looking at the site, and I like it. I couldn't come up with something that I liked more than what we have already going on. So... I changed the name, for reasons known to me, and Sasha can still do a drive by blogging if he ever chooses to do so.

I may blog more politics here and there, but it isn't going to be the focus. I am not really a very political person, and frankly, I find it depressing and frustrating. It wasn't like it was intentional, like I woke up one day and said "hey Corvid, lets make a political blog." I am not politically savvy enough to do something like that, I am just overly opinionated and I write about things that grab my attention. I suppose having to explain myself defeats the whole purpose, or whatnot... or is there even a purpose to begin with? I don't know.

Which brings me to my topic of the day. Lately on Twitter I have been noticing a lot of tweets from atheists... or 'anti-theists' as I like to call them. Now, what is the difference between an atheist and an anti-theist you may ask? Well... an atheist doesn't believe in god. They don't stress about it, they don't have to examine it or analyze it, they just don't believe. Period. They go about their business, it's no big deal. Why argue about something that doesn't exist when you could be.. I don't know... surfing.

An anti-theist on the other hand has to tell everyone they are an atheist. They have to declare war upon religion, they buy advertisment space on billboards so they can declare god doesn't exist and anyone who believes in god is foolish. They tweet constantly about how wrong religion is, at every gathering and party it is the main focus of their conversation, as if they feel the need to prove their nonbelief. They spend tedious hours attempting to debunk the bible, to expose believer's circular reasoning... I am getting tired just typing about it. Anti-theists are the fundamentalists of the Athiest set. They are extremists, they are evangelical nonbelievers who feel the need to proselytize everyone around them. They have declared a Jihad on religion.

On top of it all, they feel the need to invoke the name of Science... because they operate under the false assumption that science supports their arguments, and that scientists are the high priests of their cause. I am forced to vigorously disagree, but we will come to that in a moment.

First an observation: Many of these tweeting anti-theists justify their positions by stating that they at one time used to be evangelical christians or fundamentalist christians of some flavor or another. So basically, they have taken all that fanaticism, close mindedness, and zealotry and simply applied it to their so called non-belief. Now I say this not to hate on these folks, but rather to point out that they are engaging in the same behavior that they claim their religious counterparts do. Let me also say that I too was once a fundamentalist christian. It's true. And I understand the mental anguish and uncertainty that accompanies breaking away from that belief system (not to mention the loss of friends, family, etc. who think you are 'backsliding' and now refuse - in the most extreme cases- to have anything to do with you. I haven't spoken to my birth mother in over 16 years for just this reason). It seems to me that, more than anything, they are proving their nonbelief to themselves. It is hard to undo that kind of religious conditioning. It's scary, especially if you come from a background that has a strong belief in hell and judgement. And there is anger... anger that you are so goddamned afraid. That anger can turn to a lot of vitriol aimed at your former religion. But here's the deal, you ain't gonna change anyone's mind with it.

So, it seems they turn to what they perceive as the opposite of religion, science.

But let's get one thing strait. It is not the pursuit of science to disprove god. No, on the contrary, a lot of early sciences made many of their discoveries in the quest for god. Because someone is not a fundamentalist christian, does not make them a nonbeliever in any type of higher power. Isaac Newton had faith. His faith would seem odd and 'incorrect' to most christians, but it was faith nonetheless. Newton, like many of the men of science of his time, was not an atheist, and yet he set the scientific stage for future discovery. His science was done in the quest for god. Even the Positivists (scientists who tried to be so scientifically hardcore that even their own propositions were ruled out by their principle of verification, but who laid the groundwork for the empirical sciences of today) said that there was no logical grounds for antagonism between religion and natural science. Because science dealt with the physical world, and religion with the metaphysical world (which cannot be observed) questions of faith were irrelevant to science. Questions of gods existence or nonexistence were meaningless and were not the pursuit of science because they were not observable. God could not disprove science any more than science could disprove god*(Ayer, 1936). Besides, discovering atoms and fusion and genes, etc. was much more fun and interesting and actually do-able, so what was the point?

So basically, arguments about the existence of a metaphysical being whose attributes are super-empirical are illogical and fruitless. You cannot conclusively prove or disprove what you can't sense, so stop saying science is on your side, because it isn't.

Now... if someone is saying "well I believe the earth was created 6000 years ago, etc." well, then by all means, whip out the empirical evidence of the fossil record, but stop short of saying it proves there is no god, because it does not. ( and please, make sure you can actually explain natural selection before you play the Darwin card).

Now, why am I taking the time to comment on this?

Well...

I guess I wonder why these anti-theists feel the need to strip others of their belief and faith. I understand that many are offended by the use of religion in politics, but most laws that fundamentalists attempt to pass are usually voted down. But, even so, the way to combat this is not by attacking god, or people's belief system, but rather, by getting involved in the political process and becoming active in your schools, communities, local and state governments, etc.

Believers are going to believe, regardless of what you do to assault that belief. In most cases it will only make them cleave to it more tenaciously. It will make them think you are persecuting them. As far as the whole persecution thing goes, there is a provision written into the bible for just this situation:

Here are just a few scriptures that tell them that what you are saying and doing proves they are right -

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4: 8-11


“If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you…. If they persecuted Me they will persecute you… for they do not know the One who sent Me.” John 15:19-21


"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."—2 Corinthians 12:10


Matthew 5:10-12 “Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11″Blessed are you when men cast insults at you, and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely, on account of Me. 12″Rejoice, and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. - 1 Corinthians, 2:14

So in most cases, antagonism doesn't work, it just reinforces.

I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for myself. I had some awful experiences that broke my faith. Broken faith is a terrible thing, it is a heart breaking thing, and I have a great deal of compassion and empathy for anyone who's faith has been broken. After that I was angry, I was enraged, I was terrified. I was an anti-theist.

What helped me past anti-theism? Education. I learned.
And as I learned, I healed.
And as I healed, I began to open my mind and my heart again.

Do I believe? Yes... I believe in "I don't know, but it's all pretty damn cool." I believe in wonder. I believe in hope. I believe in being the best human being I can. I believe in compassion. I believe in equality. I believe in the social contract. I believe in discovery, no matter what it finds out in the end.  I believe in reaching out with all our intelligence and capacity and technology and yes, all our faith. Faith in what? Well, that part... I don't know.

Am I an agnostic? Probably...

I would just like to think that perhaps, somewhere, there is a little magic in the world. Sometimes magic goes by another name... Science.
(if you don't believe me... ask a physicist ;)


*Ayer, Alfred Jules. 1936. Language, Truth, & Logic. New York. Dover Publications, Inc.