Done for a bit

All my little birds have flown.

That day again

I am Surrendering to gravity of the unknown

catch me, heal me, lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live

Vague

Can I see inside and find it?  Can I reach inside and pull it out? Can I look at it long enough to form the words? Can I commit to it? Can I be fearless? Can I make the decision?
Is this the time?

The little blackbird in my head is insistently pecking away, trying to chip its way free and fly. Fall is gently prodding with its frost fingers, nodding its hoary head. The scent of possibility is in the air. What does spring know? Autumn is the fullness, and the harvest. The new year. The richness of another beginning. I was born in the Autumn, a child of the equinox, and so my constant striving for equilibrium. I yearn for the fires and the magic. Come Mabon and Samhain. the mother is croning. We are moving into the time of wisdom. It is the twilight time, and Raven sees through the veil between light and darkness. Great Bird, whose image resides in my name, Let this be the time.

A Respectful Letter.

Dear Members of Congress,

Hi, it’s me, Corvid. It has been a while, so I thought I would drop a line to see how you were doing. I have been hearing a lot of things on the news lately about your plans, and I know I am just an ignorant plebeian, but I wanted to speak up and give you some encouragement.

It seems that you are having some money troubles and you can’t agree on how to fix them. Boy, do I know the feeling. Some of you think that cutting all that wasteful spending to scientific research will do the trick. Who needs science? Especially when 95% of scientists agree on that pesky climate change issue, and keep bugging you about it. Don’t they realize we would have to change our entire way of living? Just to save the planet?! I mean really, our kids can take care of that, right? And space exploration? Yes, I know that most of the technologies, especially the medical ones, we use today were in some way developed through the space program, but hell, we don’t need NASA to keep us at the top of our game! Dick Cheney got his heart pump, and THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. Let’s just hitch a ride with the Russians... Maybe we can help them get to the moon because they were never able to make it there back in the 60’s when we did. Talk about international cooperation!

Some of you want to cut spending to those awful, socialist entitlement programs. I mean, what the hell was FDR thinking? New deal? Everyone knows Americans are dead lazy, and would rather live on the street and eat out of garbage cans than work a decent 9 to 5. Hell, I have been tempted myself. So what are you going to do about all these worthless freeloaders? And don’t even get me started on the old people. They should work, whats with this retirement crap?! Look, unemployment is at a record 9.5 percent and if you don't do something fast, all these freeloaders are going to drain the country dry scrounging for their handouts. CUT THEM OFF. End it all. Unemployment, food stamps... hell, if we cut off medicaid that should shave a pretty good chunk off the population. Just give the hospitals the right to refuse. The clean up might be a little on heavy side at first, but once all those freeloaders die off, we will all be better off. Survival of the fittest, right? Population and economic control all in one fell swoop. Way to go Congress! Are ya feelin’ me?

Deregulation of financial institutions is a great idea. They have our best interests at heart and would never take advantage. Right? And taxes for the rich? Haven’t those billionaires suffered enough??? COME ON! I don’t think they should have to pay any taxes at all. Hell, we should be grateful to them for... something... I’ll think of it in a minute. I got it, lets pass a new law. We will just pay THEM 25% of our income. Those poor rich guys need a break!

Let’s talk about schools. Teachers are lazy. So are the kids, for that matter. Like Michelle Bachman said, what kids need are jobs. PUT THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS TO WORK! They aren’t learning anything anyway, and who needs to know all that liberal, revisionist history stuff anyway? Throw the bums out. We would be saving a big chunk of change.

and lastly, 3 Trillion dollars on war is not enough. It gratifies me to know that you are cutting Nasa’s budget to the quick because providing air conditioning to the troops in Iraq costs more than the space program’s yearly budget, and by God we need those funds to keep our boys cool! This is the war on TERROR! We are making Iraq free, and hell, we can’t quit now. And as for Afghanistan... we will show those damned Russians that we can succeed where they failed. Just keep pluggin’ away, I say. It’s worth every red cent, and the 4474 American lives lost in Iraq, and the 1,769 lost in Afghanistan... but hell, that’s okay cause we showed them! We killed 1,455,590 of those ragheads, we got them 325 to one! HOO DOGGIES! THAT MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!!

So keep up the good work Gentlemen! You are good patriots and will do this country proud.

Love and kisses,
Corvid

Burned

<--- that's kind of where I am at right now. I don't really like to carry what is going on in my 3 dimensional life, to my digital one. Nothing worse than listening to someone go on and on about how their life sucks.

But one bad thing that having a hard time does, it screws up your ability to empathize. Empathy is really necessary to a friendship.

Not to mention the fact that I am a bad listener.

I think I pissed Sasha off pretty good today. I am good at that, it's my special power. I am sort of pared down to "take care of shit, just do it," mode. So I have a tendency to barf that all over anyone else who says "I am having a hard time."

I am an imaginer of worlds and a creator of personas. It is because I love to write, it's a passion. But it's also because my world, and who I am... who I really am. Well, not so great. I am sure there is a psychological term for that.

I do not regret what I said. It is where I am right now, and if I came to him, I would expect of all people, the unsentimental, truthful, blunt, unpolitically correct Sasha to give me straight talk, and then tell me to shut the hell up and get on with the business of making things work. But that is because that is who I percieve he is. Just like he most likely percieves a gentle and compassionate Corvid. We just got a small taste of reality.

This blog was not intended to be a forum for he and I to write about each other. We are just taking a small station break to figure a few things out. Regular programming will resume shortly.

To my friend. Sorry about that.

Since we are posting music.

for no one. And everyone. But mostly for Sasha and Maya.


Saw the gap again today
while you were begging me to stay
take care not to make me enter
if i do we both may disappear

Saw the gap again today
while you were begging me to stay
managed to push myself away
and you as well my dear
and you, as well
pushed you away my dear

I will choke until I swallow
choke this infant right before me
What are you but my reflection?
who am i to judge or strike you down?
who am i to judge or strike you down?
but your pushing me
and i'm shoving you
and your pushing me
and i'm shoving you

Rest your trigger on my finger
bang my head upon the fault line
You better take care not to make me enter
if i do we both may disappear
if i do we both may disappear

but your pushing me
and i'm shoving you
and your pushing me
and i'm shoving you
you still love me
you still love me
you still love me
you still love me
and were pushing and were shoving
and i'm pushing as your shoving

And i'm slipping back into the gap again
i feel alive when you touch me.
i feel alive when you hold me........down

slipping back into you
slipping back into you

i am somewhere i don't wanna be, yeah
put me somewhere i don't wanna be
push me somewhere i don't wanna be
seeing someplace i don't wanna see
never wanna see that place again.....

saw the gap again today
while you were begging me to stay
managed to push myself away
and you as well my dear
if, when i say i might fade like a sigh if i stay,
you minimize my movement anyways
i must persuade you another way
pushing and shoving and
pushing and shoving and
pushing me
there's no love in fear

starring down the hole again
hands are on my back again
survival is my only friend
terrified of what may come

Remember i will always love you
As i claw your fucking throat away
It will end no other way
it will end no other way.

What is 'it?'

Should I feel like an internet succubus?


I am Corvid. No really, I am.

I am also Krsna Hare, Krsna Samsara , Zeraphael, and Zera, and there may even be a little Maya in there too. But all these little pieces, these single streams, come together at some point and are part of Corvid, who goes by another name on the other side of the keyboard… but a crow by any other name is just another black, dirty bird, right?

I’ve used a lot of names. We’ve used a lot of names. We have shared some personalities. We are still who we are. Who we were.

I was Krsna, he was Neuro, the playground was Secondlife, or more specifically, a roleplay sim in Secondlife. We liked to talk, we liked to roleplay. There was drama and we got caught up in it, like you do.

Time passed. He came back. It made me glad. And really, after the intitial “hey, glad to see you, sorry about the bullshit,” we fell right back in like we had never stopped talking. He wonders how that could be. I don’t really question it. It doesn’t bother me. I am happy it did.

But what is “it?” What is it that makes us look for the little green online indicator? What makes us spend prodigious amounts of our free time in google docs, or google talk, or InWorldz?

I can’t speak for Sasha. He can speak for himself and contradict me or, most likely, tell me that I am over thinking things. I can only speak for myself.

First off, what “it” is not.

This is not love. It’s not romance. It isn’t lust. It’s not cyberperversion. At least on my end, none of those feelings are in play. I don’t think it is the case on his end either. He loves his wife, I like to listen to him talk about her, she sounds amazing.

So, what is it?

Can it be friendship? Can it be possible? We have never, and most likely will never see each other face to face. We haven’t spoken in any other medium than text. Our interaction is oddly comfortable and well worn. I imagine having dinner together, getting to know his wife. Watching his kids play. These things, I know, will never happen. But those are the things that qualify friendship. Does an online, text based interaction count? Is it destined to implode?

Is there a terrible consequence for friendship? Is there a price? Do we have to pay it? Or can we dine and dash?

Even our roleplay characters have a comfortable, if not conventional mesh. No matter who we come up with, they go well together, even if we are torturing them horribly. We both seem very interested in delving into uncomfortable places that are not easy to go, not easy to explore or commit to words. We have done this in the context of roleplay, and I think we are branching out from there. As Sasha has said to me… roleplay has too many rules. It holds you back. And He’s right.

The question why sits there, but I don’t have anything for it. I don’t know why we clicked so fast. I don’t know why we write about strange things. I don’t know what the future holds. I just hope he is there, in it, in some form.

I am being sentimental again.

One thing I like about Sasha. He isn’t sentimental, he doesn’t bullshit. He’s smart, and funny, and interesting. He makes me laugh and makes me mad and makes me think.

Who wouldn’t want to talk to someone like that? Who wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that?

Corvid does.